How do I know if my girlfriend is bisexual?

Dear Al,

I have been dating a wonderful woman for about a year and a half. Our sex life I would say is quite good. In fact, better than good. She is uninhibited and open-minded.

I believe that may be part of my quandary.

She will never allow me in her bedroom, stating that it is always a mess and she is embarrassed for me to see it.

She recently went on a boy scout hike in the mountains. After the boys had already left that morning, she drove up that evening with a girlfriend because she stated that they both had to work that day and they couldn't leave as early as the intended departure. She also added that if they got tired from the long days work and long drive they would stop at a motel for the night and join the scouts in the morning.

In packing for the trip, she openly packed some provocative, yet tasteful panties, stating to me that the other ladies at the campsite can see that she too has some nice things besides a used car and a house full of beat up furniture.

Am I being a bit paranoid (I went through a nasty divorce, where my then wife vehemently denied her cheating; even at the very end, when I had hours of 16 mm. celluloid that proved otherwise). Or is my present lady bisexual and would prefer not to be blatant about it, but doesn't particularly care what I think?

Thank you,

Curious..................

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Dear Curious,

It's funny how many people write, wondering how they can know something about their S.O.s Here's a clue: ASK THEM.

Anyhow, I think you're asking the wrong question. The right question is, "Is my girlfriend cheating on me?"

Would it make a difference to you whether she's having sex with other women or with other men?

If it wouldn't, then whether she's bi is not the issue. As you say, you've been a victim of cheating and you're concerned about being in that place again.

Or would it be OK if she were bi and you're just hoping to turn it into a M-F-M threesome (there we go again!) ?

Last option is that it would be OK with you if she were bi and having sex with women, but you'd just like to know and have it be an honest relationship.

Decide which it is and that will guide your actions.

Al

P.S. - She may really have a messy bedroom. Are you thinking that if you saw it there would be evidence of her bisexuality? I guess if she had a rack of strap-ons...

Open Relationships

An open relationship can only be successful if the communication is as open as your legs are.

Dear Al,

My partner and I have been together for a little over 3 years. He had told me that he would not marry me as he could not promise to be faithful to me. Originally I was hurt and thought he had someone in mind that he was interested in, but he assured me this was not the case. As he lived through the 60`s free love lifestyle, he said he wanted to be open to the possibility of having sex with a kindred spirit if the opportunity arose. And that I should feel free to do so as well. I did accept this and we went on in our relationship just as it had been. As far as I know he has never acted on this, nor have I. He is home every night and we are together after work with our friends if we`re not home. He does not question me if I go out without him and I do go out often with my friends and go dancing or to parties and spend nights away from home. He would rather be home and goes to bed early.

One night he was talking about how he was still attracted to his Ex and would love to have sex with her if given the chance. We are good friends with his ex. So I gave him my blessing and told him to go ahead. At that point he promptly asked me to marry him and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We decided to have an open "don`t ask don`t tell" relationship. And I accepted his proposal. That was 8 months ago. Just for the record he is 61 and I am 45.

Well, my problem is that he has absolutely no libido. We have sex every 2-3 months { If I beg } and there is really no spark so to speak. He was much more sexual in the first year. Don`t get me wrong, he is the sweetest man and I do love him, but the sex is torturously boring when it happens. Because he doesn`t want sex, I don`t think he will be having many encounters outside of our relationship if any, I am worried that if I do and he gets wind of it he may be hurt even though this was his idea. I met a married man who is in a similar situation who wants a lover and is not interested in more than one person in his life besides his wife. They have been married 28 years. He wants to be my lover and I am contemplating having a sexual relationship with him. It is not in my nature to cheat on my partner and I am struggling with the decision. I`m thinking that a married man would be best, because I don`t want to take a chance and fall in love with anyone or vice versa. But I am very sexually frustrated and need more sexual attention than what my relationship is offering.

When I have brought this up with my close friends, their advice is to not marry him and find someone that will make me happy sexually and emotionally. But I am not unhappy with him except where the sex is concerned. And he has given me free reign to have sex with a kindred spirit, but I don`t think that he had a long term relationship in mind. More like a fleeting fuck now and again and I am not interested in screwing around with multiple partners. I am so confused about what to do. I want sex but I don`t want to hurt him. It`s easy to say you want an open relationship and never act on it or to have an occasional kindred spirit fling and quite a different thing to have a partner who has a lover. Because we have the "don`t ask don`t tell" thing going on he wouldn`t need to know but I`m afraid that eventually he would find out and it would hurt him in the end. Skeletons in the closet always fall out if the door gets opened.

Any advice would be welcome.

Wantonly wanting a sexual partner,

Cherie

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Dear Cherie,

There's a lot going on here.

I think the first thing you need to do is try to learn why your man isn't interested in sex anymore. You say that when you have sex it is boring. Was it always with him? If he has proven capable in the past of engaging in good sex, then I think you should encourage him to explore this further, either with you or on his own. At that age there could likely be a medical issue -- either physical or mental. And if it's physical, you might uncover something serious enough that it will save his life.

For yourself, you should try to understand whether you would be looking outside the relationship if you were having good sex. If not, then I would agree with your friends. Entering into a marriage that has a major issue at the outset is not a good idea.

In any event, if you are to have a serious relationship you need to be able to talk with each other about this. He needs to tell you why he's not interested in sex with you any more. "I don't know" doesn't cut it.

And what's up with him asking you to marry him as soon as you agreed he could fuck his ex? You had already agreed he could have affairs and it had been him that didn't want to be married. Ask him to explain why he expressed interest in having sex with his ex when he isn't interested in having it with you.

If you decide to have an affair with this married man you're thinking about, do not fool yourself into thinking that just because you and he are both married there's no chance of falling in love! The risk of emotional attachment is always there.

The best way to avoid skeletons is to first have open and thorough communication with your man. Then having an affair wouldn't be cheating. If that's not possible, you certainly shouldn't get married, and you should further consider whether this is the relationship you really want.

Best wishes,

Al

Boyfriends' Ex

Hi Aspasia:

I know that you normally give out sex rather than relationship advice but there's an issue between my boyfriend and I that has been bugging me for months and I'm trying to get as many opinions about it as possible.

I am having real problems concerning my boyfriends ex. Despite her breaking up with him three years ago, they remain good friends and it drives me up the wall. I knew about his friendship with her right form the start and at the beginning of the relationship I didn't have a problem with it. But then when it was her birthday last year she invited my boyfriend and loads of other mates out for the evening.

Now, if I'm organizing a night out with friends and I know that any of them are in a relationship, I will invite their partner too. To not do so is rude. So was I invited? No.

I spent the entire evening and most of the night in floods of tears, panicking about what was happening. I was absolutely convinced that the reason I wasn't invited was because she wanted to get back together with him. Now every time he goes to see her, I have the same fears.

My boyfriend has reassured me that that isn't going to happen and that they would never get back together.

This leads me to think that I was left out for one of three reasons. She's rude, she's lying to my boyfriend when she says that she likes me and excluded me because of this or she has the sensitivity and awareness of a brick. Surely anyone with even the slightest concern for the feelings of other people would realize that it would be perfectly normal for me to have concerns about their relationship.

I've told my boyfriend how I feel about her and he just dismisses my fears. He can get very defensive about their relationship and that makes me think that he still has feelings for her. He says that if I got to know her then I'd like her but as far as I'm concerned she had her chance and she blew it. When he tells me that I'm worrying about nothing, it makes me think that my opinion doesn't matter to him and when he goes to see her knowing that it upsets me, it makes me feel like he doesn't care. I feel like he's picking her over me. I just wish I could make him see my point of view.

Thanks in advance for the help,
Worried and concerned

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Dear Worried and Concerned,

Someone just won outstanding prick of the year! Bravo, boyfriend. Would you like to give a speech?

Girlfriend (love that, it’s so Ricki-Lake-Sally-Jesse), if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, it’s a duck! If your gut is telling you that something is up or that he still has feelings for her, you are probably correct. It’s all about actions and less about words. Erase what he’s been saying the past few months and ask yourself how he’s been acting.

Honey, this isn’t about her at all. This is about your boyfriend and his inability to prioritize you over her, and the repercussions of that on you. it sounds like you’re slipping into the abyss of envy-land, a place consumed by fear. Where we forget what’s important to us and what we want.

You have to go with your gut on this. The worst case scenario here is that you break up. Yes, your heart will be broken. Yes, it will hurt. But, you will get through it and you will move on stronger and more enlightened, keenly aware of what to look for when circumstances such as this arise. And, you will find someone even better. Please keep me posted.

Love,

Aspasia

My Wife and the Dog

Dear Aspasia:
I came home early from work and caught my wife having sex with our black lab. I thought he was just rubbing his penis under her vagina since I never realized that a woman and a dog could have sex. Sure, I had heard the stories about the woman and the donkey in Mexico. But, never thought that my wife of 22 year's would do something like this.
At first she tried to get loose, but Duke's large penis was too swollen and she was stuck. Then she just gave up and started to pump back on his penis. She had a huge orgasm and kept telling Duke what a great fuck he was.
When they were finally done, she told me that they had been doing it for over a year and I had to deal with it since she wasn't going to stop. I have to admit that I had a huge erection. Now I'm torn between sharing her or leaving.
Can you give me some advice?
Wally
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Dear Wally:

The wife's been shtupping the dog on the side. Oy vey a shmear. I'm so sorry! I can appreciate your conflict.

With respect to bestiality, I don't condone it. I've written about it quite a bit on Literotica. The reason I am so opposed to it is because it's not mutually consenting adult sex. A dog cannot say NO and therefore this action could be regarded as rape.

Ooh, I sound so judgmental.

The fact that you became aroused isn't necessarily a result of watching her fuck the dog. You were watching your wife of 22 years have an orgasm and that is what could've turned you on.

If she's unwilling to stop, you have to ask yourself how you feel about that and what specifically about it bothers you. I would imagine it brings up issues of insecurity, like, "what does he have that I don't". How does a two legged human compete with a four legged canine? Hmm...Should be no competition, right?! Who knew!



Once you isolate the issue, sit down with your wife and discuss it, openly, honestly and lovingly. Don't hold back. If she's unwilling to see it from your perspective or appreciate where you're coming from, the question then becomes, are you sure this isn't a byproduct of a much larger issue?

You see where I'm going with this?



Please keep us looped! Good luck.

Love,
af