Libido Mismatch

Hey,

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a few months and well he doesn't want to do it very often. we only get to see each other once a week and we haven't gone out to do anything for awhile either. He loves me just as much as I love him. Whenever we do have sex I feel like I am pushing him into to it. I am just worried if I am doing anything wrong to not make sex appealing to him.

Thanks,
Worried

Dear Worried,

Amazing as it is to me, there are some guys who do not have a strong sex drive. They should see a doctor. Seriously.

But this may be a case where your guy is gay and does/does not know it.

It is also possible that, as you say, he loves you, but he is not physically attracted to you.

The fact that you used to go out and aren't any more is interesting. I mean, that could be a good thing, but it sounds like it isn't. He may just be going through the motions with you and doesn't want to hurt you.

There is only one cure for this: TALK TO HIM. Instead of pushing him to have sex, push him to talk openly, honestly and sincerely with you about the sex and about your whole relationship.

If he says he's just not that interested in sex, find out if this has always been the case. It may be an uncomfortable subject, but ask him if it was the same with his last girlfriend. If something has changed in his sexual desire and you are convinced it's not about you, he may have a medical problem (see first paragraph).

Best wishes,

Al

Open Relationships

An open relationship can only be successful if the communication is as open as your legs are.

Dear Al,

My partner and I have been together for a little over 3 years. He had told me that he would not marry me as he could not promise to be faithful to me. Originally I was hurt and thought he had someone in mind that he was interested in, but he assured me this was not the case. As he lived through the 60`s free love lifestyle, he said he wanted to be open to the possibility of having sex with a kindred spirit if the opportunity arose. And that I should feel free to do so as well. I did accept this and we went on in our relationship just as it had been. As far as I know he has never acted on this, nor have I. He is home every night and we are together after work with our friends if we`re not home. He does not question me if I go out without him and I do go out often with my friends and go dancing or to parties and spend nights away from home. He would rather be home and goes to bed early.

One night he was talking about how he was still attracted to his Ex and would love to have sex with her if given the chance. We are good friends with his ex. So I gave him my blessing and told him to go ahead. At that point he promptly asked me to marry him and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We decided to have an open "don`t ask don`t tell" relationship. And I accepted his proposal. That was 8 months ago. Just for the record he is 61 and I am 45.

Well, my problem is that he has absolutely no libido. We have sex every 2-3 months { If I beg } and there is really no spark so to speak. He was much more sexual in the first year. Don`t get me wrong, he is the sweetest man and I do love him, but the sex is torturously boring when it happens. Because he doesn`t want sex, I don`t think he will be having many encounters outside of our relationship if any, I am worried that if I do and he gets wind of it he may be hurt even though this was his idea. I met a married man who is in a similar situation who wants a lover and is not interested in more than one person in his life besides his wife. They have been married 28 years. He wants to be my lover and I am contemplating having a sexual relationship with him. It is not in my nature to cheat on my partner and I am struggling with the decision. I`m thinking that a married man would be best, because I don`t want to take a chance and fall in love with anyone or vice versa. But I am very sexually frustrated and need more sexual attention than what my relationship is offering.

When I have brought this up with my close friends, their advice is to not marry him and find someone that will make me happy sexually and emotionally. But I am not unhappy with him except where the sex is concerned. And he has given me free reign to have sex with a kindred spirit, but I don`t think that he had a long term relationship in mind. More like a fleeting fuck now and again and I am not interested in screwing around with multiple partners. I am so confused about what to do. I want sex but I don`t want to hurt him. It`s easy to say you want an open relationship and never act on it or to have an occasional kindred spirit fling and quite a different thing to have a partner who has a lover. Because we have the "don`t ask don`t tell" thing going on he wouldn`t need to know but I`m afraid that eventually he would find out and it would hurt him in the end. Skeletons in the closet always fall out if the door gets opened.

Any advice would be welcome.

Wantonly wanting a sexual partner,

Cherie

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Dear Cherie,

There's a lot going on here.

I think the first thing you need to do is try to learn why your man isn't interested in sex anymore. You say that when you have sex it is boring. Was it always with him? If he has proven capable in the past of engaging in good sex, then I think you should encourage him to explore this further, either with you or on his own. At that age there could likely be a medical issue -- either physical or mental. And if it's physical, you might uncover something serious enough that it will save his life.

For yourself, you should try to understand whether you would be looking outside the relationship if you were having good sex. If not, then I would agree with your friends. Entering into a marriage that has a major issue at the outset is not a good idea.

In any event, if you are to have a serious relationship you need to be able to talk with each other about this. He needs to tell you why he's not interested in sex with you any more. "I don't know" doesn't cut it.

And what's up with him asking you to marry him as soon as you agreed he could fuck his ex? You had already agreed he could have affairs and it had been him that didn't want to be married. Ask him to explain why he expressed interest in having sex with his ex when he isn't interested in having it with you.

If you decide to have an affair with this married man you're thinking about, do not fool yourself into thinking that just because you and he are both married there's no chance of falling in love! The risk of emotional attachment is always there.

The best way to avoid skeletons is to first have open and thorough communication with your man. Then having an affair wouldn't be cheating. If that's not possible, you certainly shouldn't get married, and you should further consider whether this is the relationship you really want.

Best wishes,

Al

Lost Libido

Hey there!

I am a 23 year old young woman and I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and have been living together for most of that time. We have a very healthy Affectionate relationship but it's rarely physical if you catch my drift. I'm talking maybe once or twice a month on average. We have good honest communication and I have talked to him many times about my concerns for his unusually low sex drive.

In the past he had an addiction to masturbation I guess you could call it, and he would rather do that then be with me. I offered to watch, or do it together, or act out a porn, anything. Eventually this became such an issue with me he stopped masturbating all the time but the problem is he still doesn't crave sex. He says he desires me but it rarely goes further than words.

Then I thought maybe it had to do with alcohol. Being 24 and a college student, well those things go hand in hand right? But recently we have been dieting and exercising, cutting out the mickey d's and beer. Well, that hasn't really changed anything either.

I have tried toys, costumes, role-playing and at one point I suggested we have an open relationship, and while I took advantage of the situation quite a few times, he saw maybe one other girl. Then we tried to swing for awhile with a couple of our more kinky friends and he enjoyed that but I didn't so we were back at square one because really al I want is him and well...he doesn't seem to want anything. I feel like I have tried everything, Talking, yelling, crying, ignoring the situation and it seems no matter what I do we have a nice long talk.............and then no sex. I don't know what to do. I want to marry this guy; He is so smart, handsome, sexy and fun. He has a good heart and we talk very good care of each other.......except in the sack.

But....I don't want that kind of passionless marriage. I've told him so but, like I said, we talk it out and then there is no closure, no proof, NO SEX, to prove it. What do I do 10 years down the line when he doesn't want it all??

Anyway, is it me? What in the world do I try next? I am so sick of getting myself off to trashy romance novels and I hate watching porn all by myself, it makes me feel very.....lonely. In any case, can you help me?

Sincerely,
Sexually Ignored

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Dear Ignored,

He’s just not that into you.

Any guy who is addicted to masturbation does not have a low sex drive. There is something weird and unhealthy about him and your relationship. This is one horny guy, yet he won’t have sex with you and prefers to giver up masturbation to prove he’s not highly sexed. What you don’t have is honest communication.

I think therapy is needed here, but before you go as a couple, he should go himself. I suspect that he was abused and may not feel capable of “normal” sex, which is why he’s OK with wanking and swinging.

In the meantime, stick by him if you wish, but do not get married. And if he resists therapy, say goodbye now. You are in the prime of life and he won’t change without help. There is no reason for you to settle for this relationship.

Al Sensu