So I Married An Axe Murderer

Al,

I was wondering how you feel about online relationships? I think you can talk to a person, and really find out what is on the inside, with or without webcam, before meeting the person in real life as long as both parties are being honest. I have a relationship in which, we have been talking online for almost 2 years. We both feel it is time to take it to the next level. We chat online with each other for at least 4 hours every day, sometimes more. We also talk on the phone, while we are doing other things, (shopping, exercising, working, etc.) So, its kind of like we have been dating all along. We want to meet, and get closer, and eventually make love. We share so many of the same interests. We both hope we will be married together some day in the future.

All of my friends say the same thing, .............." how can you love someone, you never even met?" but i think i do. I have more happiness in the time i spend with him than with my friends, or had with any of my ex-lovers. But my friends all keep on pressing the idea, its dangerous to meet someone online, online is just for fantasy, I should keep it online and never meet him. What if he's an ax murderer? What if he's married? What if everything he ever told you was a lie? Well, I tell them what if everything you ever told me was a lie? I really want this relationship to be something. But, what if my friends are right? But what if my friends are wrong? I don't want to miss out on the one real thing i could have in my life, the one real chance at happiness with my one true love, because my friends are rigid, and suspicious.

Please, can you give me your opinions and advice.

Thanks,
nestlegrl

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Dear nestlegrl,

Guess you like chocolate!

I think your friends and both right and wrong. I have to tell you that my current love relationship began back in the days before online dating. Yup, 1995. But, yes, Virginia, we did have personals. So to some extent this is a world I haven't experienced. But I do have online-only (friend) relationships that are meaningful.

Some online relationships are fantasy and will never make the leap into the third dimension. And for some, online is a great way to get started. I also note that you have taken the step to actually talk with you beloved (although I wonder what else you do in your life that you also have four hours available every day to sit at your computer and chat).

You are correct that people who meet in the traditional, in-person, ways end up having dark secrets that their lovers only find out in the worst ways.

If you want this to be real and long-lasting, my advice is to re-start this relationship after a fashion. Meet first at a coffee shop. Then go on dates in public places. Do not have sex. Meet each others' friends. Then, go to his place. But don't have sex yet. Seeing his place is part of the making sure he's who he says he is.

Then evaluate if the public "him" is the same as the internet "him." Be very honest with yourself and trust your instincts. There are never any guarantees, but chances are you'll do the right thing.

Al