Open Relationships

An open relationship can only be successful if the communication is as open as your legs are.

Dear Al,

My partner and I have been together for a little over 3 years. He had told me that he would not marry me as he could not promise to be faithful to me. Originally I was hurt and thought he had someone in mind that he was interested in, but he assured me this was not the case. As he lived through the 60`s free love lifestyle, he said he wanted to be open to the possibility of having sex with a kindred spirit if the opportunity arose. And that I should feel free to do so as well. I did accept this and we went on in our relationship just as it had been. As far as I know he has never acted on this, nor have I. He is home every night and we are together after work with our friends if we`re not home. He does not question me if I go out without him and I do go out often with my friends and go dancing or to parties and spend nights away from home. He would rather be home and goes to bed early.

One night he was talking about how he was still attracted to his Ex and would love to have sex with her if given the chance. We are good friends with his ex. So I gave him my blessing and told him to go ahead. At that point he promptly asked me to marry him and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We decided to have an open "don`t ask don`t tell" relationship. And I accepted his proposal. That was 8 months ago. Just for the record he is 61 and I am 45.

Well, my problem is that he has absolutely no libido. We have sex every 2-3 months { If I beg } and there is really no spark so to speak. He was much more sexual in the first year. Don`t get me wrong, he is the sweetest man and I do love him, but the sex is torturously boring when it happens. Because he doesn`t want sex, I don`t think he will be having many encounters outside of our relationship if any, I am worried that if I do and he gets wind of it he may be hurt even though this was his idea. I met a married man who is in a similar situation who wants a lover and is not interested in more than one person in his life besides his wife. They have been married 28 years. He wants to be my lover and I am contemplating having a sexual relationship with him. It is not in my nature to cheat on my partner and I am struggling with the decision. I`m thinking that a married man would be best, because I don`t want to take a chance and fall in love with anyone or vice versa. But I am very sexually frustrated and need more sexual attention than what my relationship is offering.

When I have brought this up with my close friends, their advice is to not marry him and find someone that will make me happy sexually and emotionally. But I am not unhappy with him except where the sex is concerned. And he has given me free reign to have sex with a kindred spirit, but I don`t think that he had a long term relationship in mind. More like a fleeting fuck now and again and I am not interested in screwing around with multiple partners. I am so confused about what to do. I want sex but I don`t want to hurt him. It`s easy to say you want an open relationship and never act on it or to have an occasional kindred spirit fling and quite a different thing to have a partner who has a lover. Because we have the "don`t ask don`t tell" thing going on he wouldn`t need to know but I`m afraid that eventually he would find out and it would hurt him in the end. Skeletons in the closet always fall out if the door gets opened.

Any advice would be welcome.

Wantonly wanting a sexual partner,

Cherie

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Dear Cherie,

There's a lot going on here.

I think the first thing you need to do is try to learn why your man isn't interested in sex anymore. You say that when you have sex it is boring. Was it always with him? If he has proven capable in the past of engaging in good sex, then I think you should encourage him to explore this further, either with you or on his own. At that age there could likely be a medical issue -- either physical or mental. And if it's physical, you might uncover something serious enough that it will save his life.

For yourself, you should try to understand whether you would be looking outside the relationship if you were having good sex. If not, then I would agree with your friends. Entering into a marriage that has a major issue at the outset is not a good idea.

In any event, if you are to have a serious relationship you need to be able to talk with each other about this. He needs to tell you why he's not interested in sex with you any more. "I don't know" doesn't cut it.

And what's up with him asking you to marry him as soon as you agreed he could fuck his ex? You had already agreed he could have affairs and it had been him that didn't want to be married. Ask him to explain why he expressed interest in having sex with his ex when he isn't interested in having it with you.

If you decide to have an affair with this married man you're thinking about, do not fool yourself into thinking that just because you and he are both married there's no chance of falling in love! The risk of emotional attachment is always there.

The best way to avoid skeletons is to first have open and thorough communication with your man. Then having an affair wouldn't be cheating. If that's not possible, you certainly shouldn't get married, and you should further consider whether this is the relationship you really want.

Best wishes,

Al