Lost and Confused

Dear Honey:

Well let me first tell you that I’m from a country that is conservative by nature (sexually and otherwise) but recently starting to open up ( writing this so you can understand my background and forgive my English!) , so anyway here is the scene :

I'm one of those guys that study and work hard and have no luck with the opposite sex (nice guy syndrome). Until recently that was fine with me as I hated girls, simply because I was abused sexually when I was little by an older woman (I never told anyone about this, not even my parents) since then I’ve had a deep mistrust and dislike for the opposite sex.

All this changed in college when suddenly one day a girl I met through a mutual friend confessed to me that she had a huge crush on me and wanted to go out with me. Needless to say I was surprised since I used to limit my interaction with girls to a minimum and had no idea what to do.

In a moment of weakness I accepted her proposal, that and peer pressure. So, I started going out with her and we shared quite good chemistry though nothing physical happened.

I must also say I had one more reason for going out with her was that I wanted to come out of my shell and understand girls as I thought that it would be a major handicap to ignore half the population and I was also plain curious.

Fast forward three months, just like her confession out of the blue she broke up with me, the reason she gave me was that she was afraid someone might find out and tell her family (in my country it is understood that your relationship is a secret from family unless you have a death wish) but I had the feeling that she was hiding something from me. I did not protest and simply let it go because I did not want to force myself on her, also because if she didn't want to stay in the relationship what could I do.

I'm here heart broken, confused and hurt; I’ve retreated into my shell and dunno what to do. I've become a hermit my social life is dead. I just cannot bring myself to tell anyone what happened because I think it was joke played on me by her (my mistrust for women has deepened).

I've turned to you because there is no possibility of me going to a shrink (can’t afford one and not many in my country) and also because more than the hurt and pain I realize that I don't want to be lonely anymore, just like before meeting her, everything seems sarcastic and unreal.

Help!

Hurt and confused


Oh Mr. Hurt and Confused,

I’m very sorry that you’ve had the opportunity to love and be loved by a safe, loving woman stolen from you. It’s important that you start to unpack the deep issues around sexual abuse in a forum where you feel safe. Even though you don’t have access to a psychologist, I would encourage you to use the Internet to find survivor forums to share your feelings and be exposed to the very real fact that you’re not alone. Until you unpack, weave and gain clarity through the behaviors that are a symptom of sexual abuse, you’ll be uncertain, confused and lost in a cloud for many people, especially women. As usual, with any Internet forum, be mindful of your safety, location and disclosing real names/locations.

I would not take it personal that this girl has made a decision to not begin a relationship with you. Perhaps your female friend sensed that you were not ready for a relationship and was unable to find the words to tell you. Perhaps she had external family or cultural pressures that she did not share with you. I do not believe she was making a joke out of you. If that were the case, you would hear about it AND she would NOT spend 3 months with you to pull a prank on you.

I’m sure that when you’re stronger and have a stronger sense of direction, you’ll have a flock of safe, available women knocking on your door so fast, you’ll be falling behind in those studies. Like minds attract. Go easy on yourself, buddy. You can get through this and come out smiling and relaxed. That’s what will attract a girl that’s worthy of your trust and your heart.

Keep in touch,
honey