Are you the controlling type?

Dear Al,

My wife has a desire to render full control to me during lovemaking. She wants to be blindfolded, and for me to give her instructions in what I desire. Can you help me with language and games we can play?

Solomon


Dear Wise King,

There are plenty of books and blogs you can read for inspiration. But first, look into yourself.

As I discovered when faced with a similar proposition, if this is right for you, you'll discover a part of yourself you perhaps didn't know was there. The words and actions will come to you from your deep unconscious, perhaps influenced just a tiny bit by that Penthouse Variations you were reading.

If you are by nature the "nice guy" type, you might begin by thinking of this as acting, but then go with your instincts and the real you in this will come through. Whether or not you introduce physical punishment or restraint (and you don't have to do either) you must take total control for this to work. There is no room for being wishy-washy. Be sure to agree in advance on a safe word she can use to say "no" without saying "no." This way she can express refusal without meaning it, but it is clear to both of you when she is serious.

As the leader in this activity, it behooves you to be particularly sensitive to her reactions and body language as you play, and adjust your actions accordingly. It's best if neither of you has to break out of character during the experiences. While in a sense the pressure is on you to make this a good experience, it's also a way to discover how playful and creative you can be.

The first time I tried role-play, I thought there had to be a script of sorts -- like the nurse and patient or butler and maid. And for lots of folks that is ideal. But my girlfriend and I quickly found that for us it got in the way and what we were looking for was something less complicated, where dominance and submission alone were the roles.

After your first experience, you should talk about it -- but not immediately, and not in bed. As with any sexual relationship, communication is a key to success and satisfaction.

Al