Hi Aspasia:
I know that you normally give out sex rather than relationship advice but there's an issue between my boyfriend and I that has been bugging me for months and I'm trying to get as many opinions about it as possible.
I am having real problems concerning my boyfriends ex. Despite her breaking up with him three years ago, they remain good friends and it drives me up the wall. I knew about his friendship with her right form the start and at the beginning of the relationship I didn't have a problem with it. But then when it was her birthday last year she invited my boyfriend and loads of other mates out for the evening.
Now, if I'm organizing a night out with friends and I know that any of them are in a relationship, I will invite their partner too. To not do so is rude. So was I invited? No.
I spent the entire evening and most of the night in floods of tears, panicking about what was happening. I was absolutely convinced that the reason I wasn't invited was because she wanted to get back together with him. Now every time he goes to see her, I have the same fears.
My boyfriend has reassured me that that isn't going to happen and that they would never get back together.
This leads me to think that I was left out for one of three reasons. She's rude, she's lying to my boyfriend when she says that she likes me and excluded me because of this or she has the sensitivity and awareness of a brick. Surely anyone with even the slightest concern for the feelings of other people would realize that it would be perfectly normal for me to have concerns about their relationship.
I've told my boyfriend how I feel about her and he just dismisses my fears. He can get very defensive about their relationship and that makes me think that he still has feelings for her. He says that if I got to know her then I'd like her but as far as I'm concerned she had her chance and she blew it. When he tells me that I'm worrying about nothing, it makes me think that my opinion doesn't matter to him and when he goes to see her knowing that it upsets me, it makes me feel like he doesn't care. I feel like he's picking her over me. I just wish I could make him see my point of view.
Thanks in advance for the help,
Worried and concerned
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Dear Worried and Concerned,
Someone just won outstanding prick of the year! Bravo, boyfriend. Would you like to give a speech?
Girlfriend (love that, it’s so Ricki-Lake-Sally-Jesse), if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, it’s a duck! If your gut is telling you that something is up or that he still has feelings for her, you are probably correct. It’s all about actions and less about words. Erase what he’s been saying the past few months and ask yourself how he’s been acting.
Honey, this isn’t about her at all. This is about your boyfriend and his inability to prioritize you over her, and the repercussions of that on you. it sounds like you’re slipping into the abyss of envy-land, a place consumed by fear. Where we forget what’s important to us and what we want. I know that you normally give out sex rather than relationship advice but there's an issue between my boyfriend and I that has been bugging me for months and I'm trying to get as many opinions about it as possible.
I am having real problems concerning my boyfriends ex. Despite her breaking up with him three years ago, they remain good friends and it drives me up the wall. I knew about his friendship with her right form the start and at the beginning of the relationship I didn't have a problem with it. But then when it was her birthday last year she invited my boyfriend and loads of other mates out for the evening.
Now, if I'm organizing a night out with friends and I know that any of them are in a relationship, I will invite their partner too. To not do so is rude. So was I invited? No.
I spent the entire evening and most of the night in floods of tears, panicking about what was happening. I was absolutely convinced that the reason I wasn't invited was because she wanted to get back together with him. Now every time he goes to see her, I have the same fears.
My boyfriend has reassured me that that isn't going to happen and that they would never get back together.
This leads me to think that I was left out for one of three reasons. She's rude, she's lying to my boyfriend when she says that she likes me and excluded me because of this or she has the sensitivity and awareness of a brick. Surely anyone with even the slightest concern for the feelings of other people would realize that it would be perfectly normal for me to have concerns about their relationship.
I've told my boyfriend how I feel about her and he just dismisses my fears. He can get very defensive about their relationship and that makes me think that he still has feelings for her. He says that if I got to know her then I'd like her but as far as I'm concerned she had her chance and she blew it. When he tells me that I'm worrying about nothing, it makes me think that my opinion doesn't matter to him and when he goes to see her knowing that it upsets me, it makes me feel like he doesn't care. I feel like he's picking her over me. I just wish I could make him see my point of view.
Thanks in advance for the help,
Worried and concerned
---------------------------------
Dear Worried and Concerned,
Someone just won outstanding prick of the year! Bravo, boyfriend. Would you like to give a speech?
Girlfriend (love that, it’s so Ricki-Lake-Sally-Jesse), if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, it’s a duck! If your gut is telling you that something is up or that he still has feelings for her, you are probably correct. It’s all about actions and less about words. Erase what he’s been saying the past few months and ask yourself how he’s been acting.
Aspasia
