Hey there!
I am a 23 year old young woman and I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and have been living together for most of that time. We have a very healthy Affectionate relationship but it's rarely physical if you catch my drift. I'm talking maybe once or twice a month on average. We have good honest communication and I have talked to him many times about my concerns for his unusually low sex drive.
In the past he had an addiction to masturbation I guess you could call it, and he would rather do that then be with me. I offered to watch, or do it together, or act out a porn, anything. Eventually this became such an issue with me he stopped masturbating all the time but the problem is he still doesn't crave sex. He says he desires me but it rarely goes further than words.
Then I thought maybe it had to do with alcohol. Being 24 and a college student, well those things go hand in hand right? But recently we have been dieting and exercising, cutting out the mickey d's and beer. Well, that hasn't really changed anything either.
I have tried toys, costumes, role-playing and at one point I suggested we have an open relationship, and while I took advantage of the situation quite a few times, he saw maybe one other girl. Then we tried to swing for awhile with a couple of our more kinky friends and he enjoyed that but I didn't so we were back at square one because really al I want is him and well...he doesn't seem to want anything. I feel like I have tried everything, Talking, yelling, crying, ignoring the situation and it seems no matter what I do we have a nice long talk.............and then no sex. I don't know what to do. I want to marry this guy; He is so smart, handsome, sexy and fun. He has a good heart and we talk very good care of each other.......except in the sack.
But....I don't want that kind of passionless marriage. I've told him so but, like I said, we talk it out and then there is no closure, no proof, NO SEX, to prove it. What do I do 10 years down the line when he doesn't want it all??
Anyway, is it me? What in the world do I try next? I am so sick of getting myself off to trashy romance novels and I hate watching porn all by myself, it makes me feel very.....lonely. In any case, can you help me?
Sincerely,
Sexually Ignored
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Dear Ignored,
He’s just not that into you.
Any guy who is addicted to masturbation does not have a low sex drive. There is something weird and unhealthy about him and your relationship. This is one horny guy, yet he won’t have sex with you and prefers to giver up masturbation to prove he’s not highly sexed. What you don’t have is honest communication.
I think therapy is needed here, but before you go as a couple, he should go himself. I suspect that he was abused and may not feel capable of “normal” sex, which is why he’s OK with wanking and swinging.
In the meantime, stick by him if you wish, but do not get married. And if he resists therapy, say goodbye now. You are in the prime of life and he won’t change without help. There is no reason for you to settle for this relationship.
I am a 23 year old young woman and I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and have been living together for most of that time. We have a very healthy Affectionate relationship but it's rarely physical if you catch my drift. I'm talking maybe once or twice a month on average. We have good honest communication and I have talked to him many times about my concerns for his unusually low sex drive.
In the past he had an addiction to masturbation I guess you could call it, and he would rather do that then be with me. I offered to watch, or do it together, or act out a porn, anything. Eventually this became such an issue with me he stopped masturbating all the time but the problem is he still doesn't crave sex. He says he desires me but it rarely goes further than words.
Then I thought maybe it had to do with alcohol. Being 24 and a college student, well those things go hand in hand right? But recently we have been dieting and exercising, cutting out the mickey d's and beer. Well, that hasn't really changed anything either.
I have tried toys, costumes, role-playing and at one point I suggested we have an open relationship, and while I took advantage of the situation quite a few times, he saw maybe one other girl. Then we tried to swing for awhile with a couple of our more kinky friends and he enjoyed that but I didn't so we were back at square one because really al I want is him and well...he doesn't seem to want anything. I feel like I have tried everything, Talking, yelling, crying, ignoring the situation and it seems no matter what I do we have a nice long talk.............and then no sex. I don't know what to do. I want to marry this guy; He is so smart, handsome, sexy and fun. He has a good heart and we talk very good care of each other.......except in the sack.
But....I don't want that kind of passionless marriage. I've told him so but, like I said, we talk it out and then there is no closure, no proof, NO SEX, to prove it. What do I do 10 years down the line when he doesn't want it all??
Anyway, is it me? What in the world do I try next? I am so sick of getting myself off to trashy romance novels and I hate watching porn all by myself, it makes me feel very.....lonely. In any case, can you help me?
Sincerely,
Sexually Ignored
---------------------
Dear Ignored,
He’s just not that into you.
Any guy who is addicted to masturbation does not have a low sex drive. There is something weird and unhealthy about him and your relationship. This is one horny guy, yet he won’t have sex with you and prefers to giver up masturbation to prove he’s not highly sexed. What you don’t have is honest communication.
I think therapy is needed here, but before you go as a couple, he should go himself. I suspect that he was abused and may not feel capable of “normal” sex, which is why he’s OK with wanking and swinging.
In the meantime, stick by him if you wish, but do not get married. And if he resists therapy, say goodbye now. You are in the prime of life and he won’t change without help. There is no reason for you to settle for this relationship.
Al Sensu
