Ask Aspasia Fern & Sweet Honey Smack

Farming My Girlfriend out for Sex

2007-12-24T09:47:00.000-08:00

Looking for advice on training my girlfriend. At the moment, I'm not ready to have her out with others yet... but eventually I will.

This is what I'd like to have her eventually do... sex with strangers, gangbangs, bukkake, creampies... I would like this to be all be bareback only.

Would like to see her constantly dressed slutty.. and constantly (or as often as realistically possibly) be covered in cum (in as much as possible) and have lots of cum dripping out of her holes.

I also want her to learn to deepthroat.

She has a secret fetish of being a bad girl... wants to dress very bad out in public. She has had very little experience in sex, practically none prior to meeting me.

She is aware of my fantasies of sharing her with others, having her dress like a slut... gangbangs, etc... I'd like her to become a hot slut.

She is accepting of the situation, but is unsure of how she might like it... the thoughts do not excite her too much - yet. Though, she does find them to be interesting. She's accepting of the idea because it she knows it makes me happy.

I think the best way for you to realize these fantasies is to become a porn actor. You say she's accepting of the idea but not sure if she'd like it. Well. of course. And you have all these things you want her to do and learn. What in the meantime are you doing for her? Or is acting on all your fantasies all that she needs?

Here's what I'd suggest: roleplay. I know it takes some imagination to act out a gangbang with just you, but give it a try. Before you go all bukkake on her, see how she likes getting just your squirt on her face. Nothing wrong with her learning to deep throat...if it appeals to her. And if she really likes the idea of dressing slutty in public, there's nothing stopping her, it's totally safe (as long as she's with you), and might lead to her developing some fantasies of her own.

I'm generally open to the idea of anything any consenting adults wish to do. What's pissing me off about your letter is:

1. You appear to have a controlling personality and are looking to figure out just the right way to talk your girl into doing things she probably doesn't really want to do. Even a dom/sub relationship has to be rooted in equality to work.

2. More seriously, you want her to have totally unsafe sex with strangers. This is unacceptable.

How to Please an Older Woman

2007-12-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

Hi Aspasia, Smack and Al,

I am a 23 year old male and would like to know a few things:

1, What is the best way to please an older female (40ish)?

Best way to lengthen female pleasure for any age is to take your time. Do it slow. It's not all about penetration. Touch. Kiss. Massage. Flowers. Chocolate. Wine and dine your lady. She'll love you for it.

2, What is the best way to lengthen pleasure to a female?

see above answer.

3 Is pleasing a BBW different from pleasing a skinny woman?

No sugar. We all have a vagina, lips, soft skin, boobs and bits in between and no matter what size a woman's body, we're still suspectible to touch and smooching. I wonder if you think fat men react any differently to skinny men? No. They don't. Most men like touching and sex - full stop - same goes with women. Take your time with any woman and she'll make it worth your while - hopefully. BBW may not be as agile as a skinny girl. This means you might not be able to throw her over your shoulder and carry her to the bedroom for an act of ravishing, but apart from that, BBW are the same as our slender sisters. Most women all looking for loyal, kind men to love us.

4, How can a man who has a "skinny" body be able to please a BBW (in many ways)?

Kiss her softly. Massage her skin. Brush her hair. Cook her a nice meal. Take out for a nice meal. Buy her flowers. Buy her a gift. Spoil her like a queen. If she's a decent woman, she will not judge you on being a 'skinny body', if you treat her right.

5, What should I look out for when with a BBW?

I'm a tad confused by this question mate. Look out for? Nothing. Unless of course, she's married then look out for her husband! Treat her nicely, with respect. Ask her questions about herself. Pay attention. You gotta act like she's the reason you're living!

Thank you for your time and i hope to hear from you soon and will ask for your advice again if any other questions come up.

I hope it helps....do leave us a comment on how you go, stud!

Lots of love
Smack

Masturbation Frustration

2007-12-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

Throwing this one to the readers; please help the girl by sharing your experiences.

Dear Aspasia and Smack

I am have a masturbation problem. When i masturbate i always start with my clit, and when it starts to throb is when i start to penetrate myself with my fingers or dildo. The thing is, penetration is not enough for me...I need to rub my clit at the same time. It is the only way i can cum.

I have tried to just finger myself or use the dildo with out rubbing my clit, but i cant. What bothers me is that i 'have' to rub my clit to have a successful orgasm. another thing that bothers me is that when my boyfriend and i have sex...am i going to orgasm? He has fingered me numerous times and I still must rub my clit to cum. He has tried each time without rubbing my cilt but it has no effect to me. What do i do?

I don't like having to rub my clit each time, i mean yes i like to orgasm but I would like to cum having other options to do so. Is there something that could help me?

Pornography Downloads

2007-12-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

Dear ladies,

Are there any FREE educational or explicit sex acts on the internet that do not screw up any given computers or PCs without pop ups selling annoying security risks or trying to sell them by constant warnings and threats....???

Help!
Porn-frustrated

Dear porn-fiend,

I actually find youporn.com quite good and also xnxx.com quite good. XNXX has a variety of things on offer including he option for still shots and movies.YouPorn is great for longer films but mostly amateur users. You should be able to get software that blocks ALL Pop-ups, porn-related or not so maybe ask a friend who is internet minded to give you a hand.
If you're 'that' into your porn, you should consider paying for the site that you really love and avoiding the lot! After all, to clean your pc of virus and spy-ware (installed via pop-ups) is more costly than a subscription, no?

Keep us posted!
Smack

Enlarged Labia

2007-12-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Hi I'm Emma im 26 and have a good sexlife. I have a b/f and he says that if a girl has alot of sex you can tell by her labia being really big. This isn't true is it?

Luv,
Emma

Sweet Emma,
No, this is not true. Labia come in all shapes and sizes and they are not determined by the amount of sex that has happened. If anything, they become dark and swollen when aroused or recent sexual activity has occurred. Boys make out like thy know all about our pink bits but they don't. Get some privacy and read more about them here then dazzle your boyfriend with the facts.

Love,
Smack

At least he's not going blind!

2007-10-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Subject: Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome

I am a 23 year old guy, and I recently came across a website that talks about "traumatic masturbatory syndrome". Supposedly this syndrome is caused by masturbating prone (lying face down), and can cause multiple dysfunctions. This is starting to worry me, as that is the way I tend to masturbate. Is this a problem that really happens are is there nothing to worry about?

Signed,
A worried guy

Dear Worried,

When I saw your subject line I thought this was going to be about repeatedly getting caught by your mother.

But now you made me do some reading out there on the internets, and there are definitely mixed opinions ranging from "it will definitely screw up your sex life" to "don't worry bub."

The issue is evidently that for some guys who jerk off in a prone position, they have difficulty having an orgasm when having sex with a partner, and may even have trouble getting an erection. Those guys have to stop masturbating this way and retrain their sexual response, which can be done successfully. So the experts are not saying you are physically damaging your ding-dong.

If you have a sex life with someone other than yourself and it is just fine, I would say you shouldn't be concerned, but be aware of any changes.

If you only "tend" to masturbate this way, that is probably a good thing as you have not trained yourself to respond to only one form of stimulation.

What I found interesting in this reading was the claim that most men masturbate while lying on their backs. That's how I first tried it and I found it does not work for me. My point is that we're all different.

If you have not been in a sexual relationship since you started masturbating in this fashion, I would encourage you to vary your routine, just as a precaution. You might discover some fun ways to make yourself happy that can eventually carry over to such a relationship. Try standing. See if looking at yourself in a mirror helps. Use your extra hand in different ways -- stimulating your nipples, balls, or any part of your body that wants it. See what the difference is whether you do or don't use lube. Also, even in the prone position, if you are lying on a hard surface such as the floor, try something softer like a bed.

Bigger Ain't Always Better

2007-10-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

Hello

I have been dating a woman for a year now, and though we are relaxed and have fun in bed, there is a problem. She says that she has a unusually small cervix, and for her any attempt at intercourse and even fingers inside of her make her very uncomfortable. We have tried more lubricant, but it seems like we just can't have sex. Admittedly I am clumsy being my first partner which makes me uncertain at times.

I wondered if there was any way to help ease her discomfort. She said she had sex with other partners, but had a nasty breakup and didn't see anyone for 4 or more years, and now is more uncomfortable.

As I said , we are having a good time with good oral and hand work, but we both want to experience as much as possible. Any advice for an average guy?

Dear Average,

Since she is your first, there may be ways in which you are entering and thrusting that exacerbate this problem, and perhaps she has not told you this because she doesn't want to have to tell you how a particular ex did it that was OK. Same applies for your finger play. Though if you are using just one finger and aren't ham-handed, this sounds extreme. So ask her if she was comfortable with intercourse with past partners (not just whether she had it) and what was different that made it OK.

The idea that she was able to have sex four years ago and then can't again after a dry spell has some validity at first. Perhaps what's needed is very slow, very gentle stretching, without the goal of either of you finishing from intercourse for a while, but just making it part of the play.

Now there are couples that just don't fit well. But if you are correct in being average, it seems you both should do what you can to help her enjoy intercourse, otherwise she'll be the one girl on Craigslist looking for a smaller-than-average dick and will be overwhelmed with responses.

I'd also try different positions -- angle of entry can affect comfort as well.

Libido Mismatch

2007-10-23T22:00:00.000-07:00

Hey,

My boyfriend and I have been having sex for a few months and well he doesn't want to do it very often. we only get to see each other once a week and we haven't gone out to do anything for awhile either. He loves me just as much as I love him. Whenever we do have sex I feel like I am pushing him into to it. I am just worried if I am doing anything wrong to not make sex appealing to him.

Thanks,
Worried

Dear Worried,

Amazing as it is to me, there are some guys who do not have a strong sex drive. They should see a doctor. Seriously.

But this may be a case where your guy is gay and does/does not know it.

It is also possible that, as you say, he loves you, but he is not physically attracted to you.

The fact that you used to go out and aren't any more is interesting. I mean, that could be a good thing, but it sounds like it isn't. He may just be going through the motions with you and doesn't want to hurt you.

There is only one cure for this: TALK TO HIM. Instead of pushing him to have sex, push him to talk openly, honestly and sincerely with you about the sex and about your whole relationship.

If he says he's just not that interested in sex, find out if this has always been the case. It may be an uncomfortable subject, but ask him if it was the same with his last girlfriend. If something has changed in his sexual desire and you are convinced it's not about you, he may have a medical problem (see first paragraph).

Best wishes,

2007-10-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

I was surfing around on the internet a few months ago and found some porn movies directed toward women. I was wondering if you could recommend a few movies directed toward women. I think my wife and I might like them more than all the other porn movies out there. I don't particularly enjoy the thought of seeing guys blow their load on some chicks face. I was just hoping you might be able to recommend some more female oriented or "classier" porn. I hope you can help. If not just let me know when if you can or not.

Thanks

Are you sure you don't like seeing facial cum shots? OK, I'll believe you. In any case, here at AAF&SHS we don't often recommend specific products or companies, but I'll make an exception in this case. Check out the video selection at Good Vibrations, a woman-owned sex-positive business, and in particular their selection of woman-directed flicks.

Happy viewing!

Desperate for Anal

2007-10-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

Sure do want to have anal sex with my woman. she says she has piles and wont try it. anything you can suggest to get her to relent and make it easy for her?

Thanks.....
Want that ass.

Dear Want,

What I want to know if why the lady proprietors of this blog wanted me to respond to this one!

I know many women who are just not interested in anal, even without a medical issue. Now, I'm 101% straight, but I've had 'roids, and if I were gay I'd insist on being the top. This is a roundabout way of saying I'm with your woman on this. Hey, there are lots of ways to have sex. I'd focus on the ones that she is comfortable with. The reason she's giving may be the real reason and it may be a way of saying "I don't want to do that."

Look at that ass, fondle that ass, worship that ass, but sorry, you won't be fucking that ass.

Naked, If I Want To

2007-10-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

Al,

I have been dating my gf for 3 years and very committed. We have been naked in front each other occasionally. But these days I feel like being naked in front of her all the time. Not just for sex but even while talking to her about anything or having lunch I want to remain naked. She doesn't like the idea and feels a guy should be dressed. Is there something wrong with me? And tell me what I should do.

Nature Boy,

I don't believe anything that is not harmful to another person is necessarily wrong.

Question: Do you hang around the house and eat meals naked when you're by yourself? Although it's probably not the norm, plenty of people prefer not to be encumbered by clothes. But if you only want to do this when you're with her, I can't help feeling there's something sexual about your desire.

In any case, if she doesn't like it, I have to side with her. If you're not living together, then let it all hang out when you're alone at your place, and cater to her preference when you're together.

If it's too much of a compromise for you, perhaps you're not compatible.

Al

Finding an Escort

2007-10-21T13:59:00.000-07:00

Al,

I will be travelling with my friends and want to experience an escort to fulfill a particular fantasy. My only chance is thru an in-call escort service. What, if any, are the pros and/or cons of such a service? Is it safe, any fears of being taped, should I arrive by cab, etc. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Friend,

If in-call is a requirement, there are better options than escort services. In most cities you can find independent operators. Some call themselves escorts and some courtesans. Use review boards to find the best one for you. Two of the best are The Erotic Review and Big Doggie.

You'll need to join to get the information you need. You're looking for more than just ratings, but for descriptions of encounters that let you know which ladies are open to working with clients to fulfill specific fantasies such as the kind you have in mind. Most of these professionals work from their homes or from apartments they use for their client meetings. It's always possible you'll find one associated with a service, but most of the best work on their own.

I have not heard of clients being secretly taped in these circumstances. Assuming the location is a good neighborhood, I don't think it matters whether you arrive by cab or in your rental car, but certainly if you take a cab there's no chance of a traffic incident you would have to explain to someone. The real pros will have plenty of good reviews and a good web site. They have too much invested in their reputations to do anything that would be harmful or embarrassing to their clients.

Al

He Can't Orgasm III

2007-10-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Al,

I have been with my girlfriend for a while now and we have a great sex life. The sex is great! I always am erected ready to go, but when it comes time to cum I never can do it. On the other hand, if she gives me a hand job i can ejaculate right away. Is there any way of my changing this? Thank you very much

Dear MC,

At least you're a step ahead of the last guy. As I said to him, you may need to vary how you engage in intercourse. Try positions that give you the most control over your sensations. Also, if your girlfriend tends to be highly lubricated, it may be too much of a good thing. Perhaps you need a bit more friction. If so, keep a towel handy, pull out and pat yourself dry once in a while. Try positions where she can handle your balls. Sometimes a nice squeeze as you're getting close will do the trick.

Also, are you getting enough foreplay? We tend to concentrate on the fact that most women require it, but men do too. If all the action prior to intercourse is pleasing her, give her an opportunity to tease and stimulate you before the fucking begins.

Al

He Can't Orgasm II

2007-10-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hey there Al,

I'm a 21 year old guy who has been masturbating since...oh, probably 13 or so...on average probably once or twice a day. When I'm 'flying solo' I have no problem having an orgasm - usually in no longer than 10 minutes, and likely less if I have an internet connection or xxx mag handy. However, when I'm with my girlfriend, I can't cum! Intercourse, handjobs, oral sex...nothing really works. She's a beautiful girl with a spectacular body, so attraction is really not the problem (I've had the same issue with a past gf, and also in a homosexual experience from when I was younger - so it's not that I'm just not into women).

I think that part of the problem is that, when I masturbate, I move my hand really quickly...unfortunately, masturbating slower will not make me orgasm, regardless of how long I go for. I've tried refraining from masturbating for a few days before sex, but that doesn't help...this is really starting to become an issue in my relationship, and it's starting to push me and my girlfriend apart sexually.

What steps could I take to fix this problem??

Thanks so much,

Better Soon Than Never

Dear Soon,

It's not unusual for guys to stroke fast when masturbating. It is possible that you've done it with such vigor that you've desensitized yourself. If you aren't, try using lubes and touching a bit more gently. At least start slow and when you're close do the speed-up thing.

If this (not reaching orgasm) just occurred during handjobs and blowjobs it wouldn't be that unusual. For that, I'd just suggest that your GF bring you as close as she can and you finish the job, freeing her hands and mouth to help in other ways.

But when it comes to intercourse, that's a different story. Have you tried different positions? I'd go for something that permits you to thrust with greatest control and the most friction. One other thought: Some ball play as you're screwing might help. For instance, if you're in doggie position, can she reach back and fondle your boys? That might be just the thing you need to take you over the top.

Look, it's more common for women to be challenged in reaching orgasm and it's up to their partners to do whatever they can to help. So while this is a less common problem, if you're with the right girl she'll work with you on this. Just make sure you're taking care of her needs.

Until you find success, I suggest you partake in activities that bring her pleasure and satisfaction and then, as suggested above, let her help you while you masturbate to a climax. There is no "right" way to have sex, and the important thing is that you participate in each others' pleasure. That's what brings true intimacy.

Al

The sensitive type

2007-10-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

Hey heyy,

This is a embarrassing topic for me to bring up, but I'm sure I am not the only man with this problem and I really would like some advice! I've never been circumcised and have lots of foreskin. Whenever the foreskin is lowered and the head of the penis is touched without the foreskin is touched, it's very sensitive and can even be painful at times.

A long while back I used to think it was normal until my very first girlfriend told me no guy she had ever been with had the same problem. Boy did I feel different! I've never gone all the way and had full sex with a women, (saving the V for the wife!) but I've gotten other things done by women like oral, and handjobs, and we've simply just done things more carefully. i sometimes masturbate using condoms, but stopped because it hurt to much to get it on because the foreskin becomes uncovered and the head gets touched.

Generally when I masturbate its with the foreskin totally covering the penis, and don't really allow it to become uncovered until i'm done. I've seen products such as spray on desensitizers at adult shops but I did not want to use any products that I didn't know about, just in case it made things worse. A friend of mine told me I should get it checked out from a doctor and as horrible as this sounds as a guy I'd find it really difficult bringing it up with him!

I know that as time goes by I really should do something about this, The sensitivity over the years has not diminished. For the first time I bought a sex toy, the other day (a imitation vagina) and could not even use that! While it seems laughable its something that's really hard to come to terms with. I keep thinking what am i going to do when it comes to actually having sex? Is there anything you know about this topic that could help? Is the pain and sensitivity normal? What are things I could do to de-sensitise it?

thanks-
sensitive and concerned

Dear Sensitive,

Sorry, I'm a son of Abraham so have no experience with the foreskin. But any man reading this will understand the embarrassment you feel. Nonetheless, you simply must have this checked out by a doctor. Sensitivity is normal but pain is not.

Believe me, as we age the medical stuff just gets more embarrassing and if you wish to stay healthy you have to get used to it. Nothing like a lady doctor palpating your balls and sticking a lubed finger up your ass. I promise it is not sexy.

You have to look into this because you have one life and you should do whatever you can to derive the sexual pleasure we all deserve. Also, there's a small chance that you have a serious condition that would affect more than sex. I'd recommend getting a referral to an urologist. While waiting for your appointment, do some online searching-- it's not a replacement for seeing a doc, but might educate you or help you with questions to ask before you do.

If any of our readers have further advice, please post to comments!

Al

Are you the controlling type?

2007-10-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Al,

My wife has a desire to render full control to me during lovemaking. She wants to be blindfolded, and for me to give her instructions in what I desire. Can you help me with language and games we can play?

Solomon

Dear Wise King,

There are plenty of books and blogs you can read for inspiration. But first, look into yourself.

As I discovered when faced with a similar proposition, if this is right for you, you'll discover a part of yourself you perhaps didn't know was there. The words and actions will come to you from your deep unconscious, perhaps influenced just a tiny bit by that Penthouse Variations you were reading.

If you are by nature the "nice guy" type, you might begin by thinking of this as acting, but then go with your instincts and the real you in this will come through. Whether or not you introduce physical punishment or restraint (and you don't have to do either) you must take total control for this to work. There is no room for being wishy-washy. Be sure to agree in advance on a safe word she can use to say "no" without saying "no." This way she can express refusal without meaning it, but it is clear to both of you when she is serious.

As the leader in this activity, it behooves you to be particularly sensitive to her reactions and body language as you play, and adjust your actions accordingly. It's best if neither of you has to break out of character during the experiences. While in a sense the pressure is on you to make this a good experience, it's also a way to discover how playful and creative you can be.

The first time I tried role-play, I thought there had to be a script of sorts -- like the nurse and patient or butler and maid. And for lots of folks that is ideal. But my girlfriend and I quickly found that for us it got in the way and what we were looking for was something less complicated, where dominance and submission alone were the roles.

After your first experience, you should talk about it -- but not immediately, and not in bed. As with any sexual relationship, communication is a key to success and satisfaction.

Al

Worried and Overwhelmed

2007-10-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'm at a younger age (that shan't be mentioned) in my life, and I find myself horny quite often, even in places I shouldn't feel so at all. And most nights, I find myself masturbating until I'm exhausted. For quite a while my orgasms have been wonderful, lacking in nothing, and leaving me breathless and unable to move at times. But lately, I find them less intense, and it worries me somewhat. Have I perhaps damaged something? Over-used it perhaps? I don't have a partner, and if I don't masturbate, it drives me insane. Is there some way I can make the orgasms better? Techniques or anything?

Sincerely,
Worried and Overwhelmed

Dear Clit/Penis abuser,

Its important that you develop a better way of communicating and listening to your vadge and clitoris, or penis. You don’t specify if you’re a beautiful woman or a young buck, but either way you need to start listening to your body. Your mind whilst it is the most important organ in your body will not help your body enjoy orgasms if they're not in sweet harmony. I think you need to calm down, and re-assess your masturbation schedule. Have a date with your body. Don’t just beat it like it owes you money. Plan, prepare. Have a nice dinner, a hot soak in the tub and then gently coax your body into play. We don’t do this every night, and nor should your clit/penis.

I’m guessing you’ve beaten your bits into a sensitive submission and they will not return until you ease up and show some respect!

PS. You have not specified your age so I have given you the benefit of doubt but please note for future reference, Aspasia Fern, Al Sensu and myself can only provide advice for people 18 years and over.

Much luv,
Smack.

Lost and Confused

2007-10-19T18:33:00.001-07:00

Dear Honey:

Well let me first tell you that I’m from a country that is conservative by nature (sexually and otherwise) but recently starting to open up ( writing this so you can understand my background and forgive my English!) , so anyway here is the scene :

I'm one of those guys that study and work hard and have no luck with the opposite sex (nice guy syndrome). Until recently that was fine with me as I hated girls, simply because I was abused sexually when I was little by an older woman (I never told anyone about this, not even my parents) since then I’ve had a deep mistrust and dislike for the opposite sex.

All this changed in college when suddenly one day a girl I met through a mutual friend confessed to me that she had a huge crush on me and wanted to go out with me. Needless to say I was surprised since I used to limit my interaction with girls to a minimum and had no idea what to do.

In a moment of weakness I accepted her proposal, that and peer pressure. So, I started going out with her and we shared quite good chemistry though nothing physical happened.

I must also say I had one more reason for going out with her was that I wanted to come out of my shell and understand girls as I thought that it would be a major handicap to ignore half the population and I was also plain curious.

Fast forward three months, just like her confession out of the blue she broke up with me, the reason she gave me was that she was afraid someone might find out and tell her family (in my country it is understood that your relationship is a secret from family unless you have a death wish) but I had the feeling that she was hiding something from me. I did not protest and simply let it go because I did not want to force myself on her, also because if she didn't want to stay in the relationship what could I do.

I'm here heart broken, confused and hurt; I’ve retreated into my shell and dunno what to do. I've become a hermit my social life is dead. I just cannot bring myself to tell anyone what happened because I think it was joke played on me by her (my mistrust for women has deepened).

I've turned to you because there is no possibility of me going to a shrink (can’t afford one and not many in my country) and also because more than the hurt and pain I realize that I don't want to be lonely anymore, just like before meeting her, everything seems sarcastic and unreal.

Help!

Hurt and confused

Oh Mr. Hurt and Confused,

I’m very sorry that you’ve had the opportunity to love and be loved by a safe, loving woman stolen from you. It’s important that you start to unpack the deep issues around sexual abuse in a forum where you feel safe. Even though you don’t have access to a psychologist, I would encourage you to use the Internet to find survivor forums to share your feelings and be exposed to the very real fact that you’re not alone. Until you unpack, weave and gain clarity through the behaviors that are a symptom of sexual abuse, you’ll be uncertain, confused and lost in a cloud for many people, especially women. As usual, with any Internet forum, be mindful of your safety, location and disclosing real names/locations.

I would not take it personal that this girl has made a decision to not begin a relationship with you. Perhaps your female friend sensed that you were not ready for a relationship and was unable to find the words to tell you. Perhaps she had external family or cultural pressures that she did not share with you. I do not believe she was making a joke out of you. If that were the case, you would hear about it AND she would NOT spend 3 months with you to pull a prank on you.

I’m sure that when you’re stronger and have a stronger sense of direction, you’ll have a flock of safe, available women knocking on your door so fast, you’ll be falling behind in those studies. Like minds attract. Go easy on yourself, buddy. You can get through this and come out smiling and relaxed. That’s what will attract a girl that’s worthy of your trust and your heart.

Keep in touch,
honey

Panty Raid

2007-10-13T06:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Al:

Ever since I was an early age I have always liked panties. I dont even care if they are clean, as long as I can have a wank with them I dont care.

Am I kinky PR or What?

* * * * *

Well you're definitely not Kinky Friedman.

Look, I believe in "free to be, you and me." Doesn't matter if it's kinky. My only rule is that you do no harm. If you are obtaining the panties in a legal, legitimate way -- whether buying them new at Wal-Mart or used on eBay, it's just fine.

If you are in a relationship, or find yourself in one in the future, this is something you shouldn't be ashamed of or feel you have to hide. Yes, some women will find this icky. Those are not the women for you.

Wank on!

Al

Masturbation

2007-10-13T00:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Honey:

I cannot masturbate.

It's not that I don't know how to, and it's not that I'm not horny because, trust me, I am! Basically every time I begin to finger or pleasure myself in any way I lose interest after about 10 seconds. It's not just me either, whenever I'm with a man its the same deal,

Horny as no other one-second and wondering what groceries I need to pick up the next. Please help!

Thanks,
Severely Unsatisfied

Hi Unsatisfied,
You know, it’s important that you know how your body works and what turns you on. For some women, mentally preparing a grocery list MAY be the elixir to making her wet and aroused. For others, it’s the deep secret fantasy that she’s having wild monkey sex with the pool guy while her husband is at work, or better: watching.

Women need mental stimulation. So my advice is to FOCUS GIRL and concentrate on an image, scene, sexual memory, or fantasy that will have your fingers doing the walking in no time. No woman would like a partner to spend a mere 10 seconds on pleasuring us; and nor should your body settle for 10 brief seconds with your fingers. Even if you have the attention span of a stapler, you have to focus, concentrate and make sure your fingers are wet.

Also, don’t just focus on your clitoris and vadge. Start with a candlelight shower, put a lovely cd on, watch a porn movie if you’re feeling nasty, or pretend someone is in bed with you and its THEIR hands. You wouldn’t like it if he went straight for the love canal, and nor should you. Start at the top and work your way down. Stroke your face, your nipples in a sensual circular motion. Knead your breasts, and close your eyes and concentrate. Eventually your hands can trail downstairs and take you to that lovely throbbing place you deserve. Keep it wet, small circles, apply a little pressure here and there and imagine....

If you find that the grocery list gets in the way, imagine a guy eating you out while you’re making the grocery list. It’s in your imagination and your imagination has the power to take you to many places. You’ve just gotta unlock it…

If you're successful in achieving the Big O, please write back and let us know how it worked for you.

If you're not successful, we can re-look at the issue.

Happy rubbin'
Smack

He Can't Orgasm

2007-10-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Honey,

My dear friend is driving me crazy with her endless phone calls about a man she is seeing. She says he is extremely sexual, there is lots of foreplay, he is rock hard, but in the ten or so times they've had sex, he's never had an orgasm.

He has outright stated to her that he thinks she is using him for sex, and that he doesn't trust women. But she is fond of him and tells him otherwise. In most other areas, he is very kind and affectionate. They even went away this weekend with their respective children. I think this whole scenario is odd but beyond that, I have no advice for her.

She is 46; he is 45 and a doctor. He brags to her about his knowledge of female anatomy (which I find odd, also). Why would a man have no trouble getting hard, and in fact be a bit of a braggadocio about his sexual finesse and then not orgasm?

Unfortunately, she won't approach a discussion with him about this.

Thank you,

A good friend (or trying to be)

Dear good friend,

Maybe he’s gay and doesn’t know it. I think he’s trying to kid himself by bragging about his anatomical knowledge and what not.

I’ve known closeted gay guys to be extremely sexual and very in tune with a women’s body, because they are over-compensating for their lack of real interest or he's faking it to himself. Real interest = real orgasms. Or, perhaps he needs to seek medical advice outside of himself!

Before she invests any further time with him, (especially with her children) I would be getting advice from a gay advice line and let their gaydar knowledge set her free into a land of orgasming, straight men that she so obviously deserves.

This is about your friend more than him. If she wants to stay with a man that doesn't trust women and be used as a whipping post for all things anti-women, than maybe it is HER that has the problem with accepting less than she deserves.

The fact that she won't approach a discussion with him about this is a warning sign in itself.

Until she decides to talk to him about it, I would ask that she stop whining about it to you.

He's either gay, a mysognist or needs to see a doctor. Either way, it is not her problem to deal with.

Much luv
Smack,

Older Women

2007-10-12T22:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Aspasia & Smack,

There is a 34 year old woman I know who has six children and a strained relationship with her husband. I have had a crush on her since I was 14 and I'm now 21 and would like nothing better than to have her be mine for a night. How would I go about seducing her and what signs could I look for to know if she wanted me? It would ruin me if I offered and she refused.

BoyCrush

Hello darlin',

Clearly you do not love this woman otherwise you’d realize that if she had six children and a strained relationship with her husband then the last thing she needs is to complicate things by having one night of pleasure with you. Lust yes, love no. Sometimes its better to leave these things as 100% fantasy, than live the dream and it come back to bite you on the ass. Best case scenario, you seduce her and fulfill your boyhood dreams.

Worst case scenario, you seduce her, you fulfill your boyhood dreams, she decides to leave her husband, you are now the step father of 6, maybe seven after your night of pleasure.

Unless you are ready to wipe the asses of 6 kids from another man, I’d let this one be.

Let this crush go and find someone your own age to soak up all of that loving. Write back and tell us about the new girl you've noticed around your age.

Good luck,
Ms Smack

Sexual Assault

2007-10-12T21:56:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Please read and hear me out and help me. I've been longing to get this secret out of me to someone. Maybe that someone was you.

Before, I sneak into my girlfriend's house just to sleep over. Of course nobody knows. My gf and her sister sleeps in the same room. One night, when my gf was asleep..I needed to take a piss when I saw her sister lying in bed. When I came back, I was really tempted to touch her. Well, that maybe rape, right? But still I was tempted. I even saw her naked in her room while hiding under the bed. I was really turned on. It happened many times when one night I can't take it anymore, and tried to make a move on her. I was really turned on by the sight and I can't hold on anymore so I came closer to her. She was really sexy sleeping wearing loose clothes so I don't have any problem making a move. I came closer and heard her breathing heavily so I knew she won't wakeup that easily. So I begin kissing her lips softly. Wow! I'm so aroused doing that. Then I touched her tits and raised her t-shirt. Whether you believe it or not I sucked her tits while rubbing my cock. She even didnt wokeup or move. I tried to carress her pussy but wasn't really able to touch deeper because I was scared she'd wakeup. Since then, I was really fantasizing about her while masturbating. I really want to fuck her. But how? Do you have any advices?

Thanks for listening
Sonny

Dear Sonny, There is no excuse for your behavior. It doesn’t matter how you try and justify it.
The truth is you touched her for sexual pleasure without her permission. That is not only illegal but it is sexual assault and disrespectful to both the sister, your girlfriend and their family.

My advice is to stop visiting the house and if you have any honour, you should end the relationship with your girlfriend because you obviously have no respect for her because you cheated on her. Kissing, touching, and certainly rubbing your cock is cheating on her.

If you consider approaching the sister to have sex with her while she is asleep, stop and think what it would be like to be raped in jail, hard with no lube – and see if that doesn’t make you think twice, Sonny because that’s what happens to rapists in jail.

Do your girlfriend the biggest favor of all. Tell her that you’ve got family commitments, some thinking to do, some reading about the law – whatever you can to break away from the relationship.

In the long run, she’ll heal over the broken heart, but she’ll never heal if she found out you touched her sister. It would cause a family breakdown and simply, no man is worth that. You’ll be giving her the chance to meet someone who will love her and honour her, and her family.

Don't forget if you fuck it up, you will also have to deal with all of the men in her family who will hunt you down and use you as a punching-bag.

If you have no respect for this family, try thinking about your own family who may have to watch you get a criminal record, visit you in jail and watch your life waste away because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants.
Ms Smack

Strippers

2007-10-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

My Wife of one year recently surprised me by eating out a stripper at a strip club, she says that was her first time with another woman and won't do it again...I want to know if there is a way to talk her into doing this again.

Dear Lucky Man,

Most men would volunteer a testicle to see his wife perform oral sex on a stripper at a strip club for his viewing pleasure, I understand why you’re interested in re-enacting this amazing woman-on-woman vision.

If that was her first time, she’s pretty brave doing it on such a woman in such an arena. Did she climb on stage and perform for all the audience? Was it behind the curtains?

If so, I would suggest that your wife acted impulsively under the influence of alcohol, or
was just plain ‘showing-off’ in a strip club setting. Perhaps she wanted to prove that she was as horny and sexy as the woman you were watching and did it to prove a point, not because she enjoyed it. Does she approve of you visiting strip clubs?

I think a conversation needs to occur with her before you can have a direction on where to take the conversation.

If she enjoyed it, consider telling her that it turned you on and you’d like to see it again when she’s ready, and ask if you can help her relive that pleasure she had.

One way to approach is to consider doing it privately within your marriage with a third person, not a stripper and not in a strip club. There are loads of online women that would gladly, safely and anonymously be a third party to a secure married couple. Place an ad but above all, be safe.

Maybe your wife harbours secret desires to be a stripper herself? Ask her if she’d ever consider dancing for you one night and but clearly reaffirm that she’s the sexiest woman in your life before you install a shimmery silver pole in your bedroom.

Tell her that it was a major turn on to see her enjoy herself and be in control of what she was doing but most of all, reaffirm that she’s the number one foxy-lady in your life.

Women need to be stimulated in the mind to get their juices flowing. Talk to her.

Write back and let us know what happened honey.

Miss Smack!

Shalom... It's me, Aspasia!

2007-10-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!

I just had to pop in and say that I am so excited to be back in the saddle and to be working with the Divine Diva Smack and the Hot Stud Muffin that is Al Sensu. It is such a treat, I can't tell you. We have received wonderful emails of support and lots of queries and comments.

Those of you that sent queries ages and ages ago, I am sorry if I haven't gotten back to you yet. Rest assured, we are going to get to each and every one of them.

I missed ya's so much. I'm beside myself to be advicing again.

We're going to have such a ball, oh you just don't know. We've got some outrageous interviews in the coming months that we're working on with very enterprising adult talent.

Make sure you favorite place honey-n-aspasia because we'll be posting several times a week.

We love you and we are so happy to be servicing your sexssssual needs.

PS: What do you think of our look? Miss Smack designed it! I am wild for it. She did such a gulgeous job.

So I Married An Axe Murderer

2007-10-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Al,

I was wondering how you feel about online relationships? I think you can talk to a person, and really find out what is on the inside, with or without webcam, before meeting the person in real life as long as both parties are being honest. I have a relationship in which, we have been talking online for almost 2 years. We both feel it is time to take it to the next level. We chat online with each other for at least 4 hours every day, sometimes more. We also talk on the phone, while we are doing other things, (shopping, exercising, working, etc.) So, its kind of like we have been dating all along. We want to meet, and get closer, and eventually make love. We share so many of the same interests. We both hope we will be married together some day in the future.

All of my friends say the same thing, .............." how can you love someone, you never even met?" but i think i do. I have more happiness in the time i spend with him than with my friends, or had with any of my ex-lovers. But my friends all keep on pressing the idea, its dangerous to meet someone online, online is just for fantasy, I should keep it online and never meet him. What if he's an ax murderer? What if he's married? What if everything he ever told you was a lie? Well, I tell them what if everything you ever told me was a lie? I really want this relationship to be something. But, what if my friends are right? But what if my friends are wrong? I don't want to miss out on the one real thing i could have in my life, the one real chance at happiness with my one true love, because my friends are rigid, and suspicious.

Please, can you give me your opinions and advice.

Thanks,
nestlegrl

* * * * *

Dear nestlegrl,

Guess you like chocolate!

I think your friends and both right and wrong. I have to tell you that my current love relationship began back in the days before online dating. Yup, 1995. But, yes, Virginia, we did have personals. So to some extent this is a world I haven't experienced. But I do have online-only (friend) relationships that are meaningful.

Some online relationships are fantasy and will never make the leap into the third dimension. And for some, online is a great way to get started. I also note that you have taken the step to actually talk with you beloved (although I wonder what else you do in your life that you also have four hours available every day to sit at your computer and chat).

You are correct that people who meet in the traditional, in-person, ways end up having dark secrets that their lovers only find out in the worst ways.

If you want this to be real and long-lasting, my advice is to re-start this relationship after a fashion. Meet first at a coffee shop. Then go on dates in public places. Do not have sex. Meet each others' friends. Then, go to his place. But don't have sex yet. Seeing his place is part of the making sure he's who he says he is.

Then evaluate if the public "him" is the same as the internet "him." Be very honest with yourself and trust your instincts. There are never any guarantees, but chances are you'll do the right thing.

Al

The wrong kind of quickie

2007-10-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I am really depressed for years because of the problem that I am experiencing. It is that I ejaculate very early either when masturbating or having sex. This have caused troubles with my girl friend. I am afraid she will leave me for this please help me. I am very worried. Please reply me ASAP.

Regards,

T Puppy.

* * * * *

Dear Pup,

You didn't say how old you are. It's not uncommon to be a premature ejaculator during your teens and into your 20s. I was awfully quick on the trigger then, and it wasn't until I hit my 30s that I was able to take more time. I realize that doesn't minimize your problem. If you're older, it's more likely there is a physical or psychological cause and it would be worth consulting a physician.

There are some techniques you can try to train yourself not to cum so fast that are easy to find on the internet. One is to masturbate and become aware when you are reaching the point of no return. Stop before that point and squeeze the base of your penis. Rinse and repeat a few times. Since it's no secret you have this problem, involve your girlfriend! Let her do the handwork and give her the "stop/squeeze" signal at the right moment.

You might also try masturbating, or have your girlfriend give you a handjob or blowjob right before you want to have sex. See if rapid re-deployment slows your next climax. Oh, and try to enjoy it. Stress and worry make some guys not able to get it up, but it can have the opposite effect. So see if you can make this a fun project with your girl.

And while you are working this out, make sure that your quick finishes aren't depriving your lady of hers. If you haven't yet, become expert at cunnilingus and other activities that will excite her and bring her off. It doesn't have to be all about intercourse.

Back to you: If all else fails, do see your physician and don't be embarrassed. You won't be the first patient he or she has had with this problem.

Good luck!
Al

Diabetes Erection Problems

2007-10-08T14:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Al,

I'm a 56 yr.old male with diabetes. Is there anything out there except Viagra, Cialis or Levitra that can give me a erection & ejaculation? I masturbate. But when I feel like cumming, I feel like a water hose whose pressure was cut off. And instead of thick white creamy semen, I get a thick, clear drop or 2 of almost pre-cum, and I go to the bathroom to urinate afterward. I go to a urologist, he hasn’t got any answers. Can you help? I don’t take nitrates or stuff like that.

* * * * *

Friend,

Sorry, I'm not a medical expert. My advice is find another urologist. Yours may be well qualified, but when a doctor doesn't have a solution for a problem it's time to see if another one does.

Al

How do I know if my girlfriend is bisexual?

2007-10-08T12:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Al,

I have been dating a wonderful woman for about a year and a half. Our sex life I would say is quite good. In fact, better than good. She is uninhibited and open-minded.

I believe that may be part of my quandary.

She will never allow me in her bedroom, stating that it is always a mess and she is embarrassed for me to see it.

She recently went on a boy scout hike in the mountains. After the boys had already left that morning, she drove up that evening with a girlfriend because she stated that they both had to work that day and they couldn't leave as early as the intended departure. She also added that if they got tired from the long days work and long drive they would stop at a motel for the night and join the scouts in the morning.

In packing for the trip, she openly packed some provocative, yet tasteful panties, stating to me that the other ladies at the campsite can see that she too has some nice things besides a used car and a house full of beat up furniture.

Am I being a bit paranoid (I went through a nasty divorce, where my then wife vehemently denied her cheating; even at the very end, when I had hours of 16 mm. celluloid that proved otherwise). Or is my present lady bisexual and would prefer not to be blatant about it, but doesn't particularly care what I think?

Thank you,

Curious..................

* * * * *

Dear Curious,

It's funny how many people write, wondering how they can know something about their S.O.s Here's a clue: ASK THEM.

Anyhow, I think you're asking the wrong question. The right question is, "Is my girlfriend cheating on me?"

Would it make a difference to you whether she's having sex with other women or with other men?

If it wouldn't, then whether she's bi is not the issue. As you say, you've been a victim of cheating and you're concerned about being in that place again.

Or would it be OK if she were bi and you're just hoping to turn it into a M-F-M threesome (there we go again!) ?

Last option is that it would be OK with you if she were bi and having sex with women, but you'd just like to know and have it be an honest relationship.

Decide which it is and that will guide your actions.

Al

P.S. - She may really have a messy bedroom. Are you thinking that if you saw it there would be evidence of her bisexuality? I guess if she had a rack of strap-ons...

Open Relationships

2007-10-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

An open relationship can only be successful if the communication is as open as your legs are.

Dear Al,

My partner and I have been together for a little over 3 years. He had told me that he would not marry me as he could not promise to be faithful to me. Originally I was hurt and thought he had someone in mind that he was interested in, but he assured me this was not the case. As he lived through the 60`s free love lifestyle, he said he wanted to be open to the possibility of having sex with a kindred spirit if the opportunity arose. And that I should feel free to do so as well. I did accept this and we went on in our relationship just as it had been. As far as I know he has never acted on this, nor have I. He is home every night and we are together after work with our friends if we`re not home. He does not question me if I go out without him and I do go out often with my friends and go dancing or to parties and spend nights away from home. He would rather be home and goes to bed early.

One night he was talking about how he was still attracted to his Ex and would love to have sex with her if given the chance. We are good friends with his ex. So I gave him my blessing and told him to go ahead. At that point he promptly asked me to marry him and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We decided to have an open "don`t ask don`t tell" relationship. And I accepted his proposal. That was 8 months ago. Just for the record he is 61 and I am 45.

Well, my problem is that he has absolutely no libido. We have sex every 2-3 months { If I beg } and there is really no spark so to speak. He was much more sexual in the first year. Don`t get me wrong, he is the sweetest man and I do love him, but the sex is torturously boring when it happens. Because he doesn`t want sex, I don`t think he will be having many encounters outside of our relationship if any, I am worried that if I do and he gets wind of it he may be hurt even though this was his idea. I met a married man who is in a similar situation who wants a lover and is not interested in more than one person in his life besides his wife. They have been married 28 years. He wants to be my lover and I am contemplating having a sexual relationship with him. It is not in my nature to cheat on my partner and I am struggling with the decision. I`m thinking that a married man would be best, because I don`t want to take a chance and fall in love with anyone or vice versa. But I am very sexually frustrated and need more sexual attention than what my relationship is offering.

When I have brought this up with my close friends, their advice is to not marry him and find someone that will make me happy sexually and emotionally. But I am not unhappy with him except where the sex is concerned. And he has given me free reign to have sex with a kindred spirit, but I don`t think that he had a long term relationship in mind. More like a fleeting fuck now and again and I am not interested in screwing around with multiple partners. I am so confused about what to do. I want sex but I don`t want to hurt him. It`s easy to say you want an open relationship and never act on it or to have an occasional kindred spirit fling and quite a different thing to have a partner who has a lover. Because we have the "don`t ask don`t tell" thing going on he wouldn`t need to know but I`m afraid that eventually he would find out and it would hurt him in the end. Skeletons in the closet always fall out if the door gets opened.

Any advice would be welcome.

Wantonly wanting a sexual partner,

Cherie

* * * * *

Dear Cherie,

There's a lot going on here.

I think the first thing you need to do is try to learn why your man isn't interested in sex anymore. You say that when you have sex it is boring. Was it always with him? If he has proven capable in the past of engaging in good sex, then I think you should encourage him to explore this further, either with you or on his own. At that age there could likely be a medical issue -- either physical or mental. And if it's physical, you might uncover something serious enough that it will save his life.

For yourself, you should try to understand whether you would be looking outside the relationship if you were having good sex. If not, then I would agree with your friends. Entering into a marriage that has a major issue at the outset is not a good idea.

In any event, if you are to have a serious relationship you need to be able to talk with each other about this. He needs to tell you why he's not interested in sex with you any more. "I don't know" doesn't cut it.

And what's up with him asking you to marry him as soon as you agreed he could fuck his ex? You had already agreed he could have affairs and it had been him that didn't want to be married. Ask him to explain why he expressed interest in having sex with his ex when he isn't interested in having it with you.

If you decide to have an affair with this married man you're thinking about, do not fool yourself into thinking that just because you and he are both married there's no chance of falling in love! The risk of emotional attachment is always there.

The best way to avoid skeletons is to first have open and thorough communication with your man. Then having an affair wouldn't be cheating. If that's not possible, you certainly shouldn't get married, and you should further consider whether this is the relationship you really want.

Best wishes,

Al

More on Threesomes

2007-10-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

Seems it's the season for 19-year-old women to think about threesomes...

Dear Al,

I have been seeing a man for the past 6 months. He is 29, I am 19. We have a wonderful, active and adventurous sex life. He wants to have a threesome with another girl. I am interested in it yet I do not know if I can deal with the jealousy that could arise during and after the act occurs. Any advice?

-Confused but excited

* * * * *

Dear Confused,

What man doesn't want to have a 3some with another girl? The first thing you need to know is whether his intention is for totally straight interaction (i.e. you and the other girl doing stuff with him but not each other) or if he is looking for some girl-on-girl action as well. If you don't have any interest in the latter, that should be understood before any further consideration.

As to jealousy you need to get very honest with yourself. Are you thinking you'll be OK, but are just aware that jealousy can arise? Or are you already feeling jealous just at the thought of him kissing and oh-so-much-more with another woman right in front of you? If the former, then perhaps you should try it once, and with a relative stranger (see this post). Hey, if it doesn't work out, you don't do it again, but it probably won't permanently damage your relationship. But if you know you are likely to be jealous this just won't work.

If you decide to try it, I would exact a quid-pro-quo from the BF. Whether you really think you want this or not, make sure he'll agree that the next 3some is M-F-M. If he's not willing to cater to your fantasies and pleasure as much as you are for him, there's a message for you.

Good luck, and when you're ready for that M-F-M action... let me know!

Threesomes

2007-10-07T15:59:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I am a 19 year old woman and i live with my fiance. I am his first serious girlfriend and his first sexual partner. We have been together for three years , but our sexual relationship is now getting more exciting, as we are learning how to please each other and becoming more open about sexual fantasies and desires. As it turns out, we both share a fantasy to have a threesome with another woman. Having discussed it in bed on a number of occasions (and had great sex thinking about it) we have decided that if we were to make it a reality, it would have to be with someone we both trusted to keep it private, and someone we felt comfortable with. My best friend is beautiful and would be the perfect person to share this experience with, however, i have two problems. One is that i am not sure if it would be dangerous for our relationship. I do not want to find myself getting jealous even though i trust them both, and i dont want to make things uneasy with both my fiance and my best friend. Id like to think i wouldnt get jealous but it may be different when im in the actual situation. A fantasy is great in my head, but would it become messy in reality? My other problem is that i dont know how to ask my friend without seeming sleazy or scaring her off. She has never been with a woman and i dont want to lose our friendship over something like this. How do we subtley let her know we are attracted to her and want to have sex with her? And should we even do it at all?

Thankyou.

Hey back to you! :)

I would advise you to think long and hard about the positives and negatives with having the 3some with your man and your best friend. There are a few things to think about. First of all, is the visual of another person in your bedroom ‘all’ you need to lift the passion levels in your monkey-sex, or do you really need a third party? You’ve already mentioned that your sex life is highly satisfying – can you live without it? Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality and with less consequence if it all goes pear-shaped.

There are few ways it can go pear-shape. They include obvious jealousy when you see your man and your best friend kissing passionately. What if you feel left out? Are you going to be checking his phone and her phone for the next few weeks after that? Are you secure in your relationship to really let your guard down? Does it bug you that your man wants another woman in the bed? Would he be okay if the roles were reversed and you wanted another man in the bed? What if they shack up behind your back? Will you haunt him with ‘was she better than me?’ every time you’re feeling a bit insecure, or fight over the dishes.

If it fails, you may lose not only your man, but your best girlfriend as well.

On the positive side, if you and your man are totally sure that this will enhance your relationship then the tricky question is ‘how do you approach it?”

This is a good assessment on how well you know your friend. Perhaps start by asking her generally what she thinks of the 3some idea but leave you and your man out of the scene.

Ask if she knows anyone that’s ever done it, and how it turned out. If she is completely revolted by the idea, chokes on her soda, then let it go and change the topic. If she seems interested, ask her if she’d ever consider it, and if so, what would her requirements be?’

Understand that she needs to be an equal party in all decision making here.

Offer a little bit of information like ‘we’re just talking it over, but are not sure.’ If she does seem interested, then say ‘if we were going to do it, we’d be comfortable with you because we adore you, think you’re beautiful and trust you, but it’s totally your decision and we will respect your choice either way’

Be prepared for any answer.

This will give you a chance to check her reaction without compromising your friendship and potentially avoid embarrassment if she says ‘oh my god, I’d never ever do that’ then you can re-direct your queries someplace else.

There is something to be said about having an anonymous third party as a sexual partner though. There are no phone-calls, no awkward moments at birthday parties, no nosey mutual -friends who want details, no secret glances over next week’s dinner party – it’s very discreet and you don’t have to see them again. They’re not in the same social circles as you and if you have a fight three years from now, they’re not likely to air your dirty linen online or in your real life.

Think long and hard before making this decision. It could make for a great sexual encounter but also cost your relationship of 3 years (which sounds hot enough) and your friendship with your girlfriend which will sting too.

Safe sex, communication, consequences and agreements are the key talking points here!

Keep in touch.

Ms Smack - Interview

2007-10-07T01:51:00.000-07:00

Well over a year ago, I met a dame… Sweet Honey Smack and developed one no-joke-straight-girl crush. It’s pretty rare to meet a dame as special as Sweet Honey Smack. She’s talented, intelligent and funny. A gifted writer with a background in counseling and dispensing much needed advice about sex, romance, life, love, our bodies and body language. We decided to partner—it was a natural. And, here we are today, Sweet Honey Smack and Aspasia Fern! We complement each other beautifully.

Get to know Honey and you will love her, too. Read the below interview and learn all about the goddess that is Sweet Honey Smack!

Honey, you are one of the most sexually evolved women I’ve ever met. You’re very comfortable with your sexuality, was this learned or have you always been that way?

Why thank you Ms! You’re too kind! Being comfortable with my sexuality was something that was learned after a long-term relationship where I had as much sexual stimulation as a mop on laundry day. For the most part like a dry and unused mop, I was neglected. It wasn’t until I was in my late 20’s that I began to bloom sexually and discover and try different ideas that had been buried very deep. From that time on, I was a ripe peach ready to be juiced. Repeatedly.

You write very sensuous, erotic essays. Where do you get your inspiration?

Most of my inspiration comes from fond memories of lovers that have come and gone – excuse the pun. Each person brought a different flavour to the honeysmack boudoir and they all provided something delectable to my ever-evolving prose now as a blogger. A couple of my lovers currently read the Smack Dab in the Middle and enjoy the trip down memory lane.

What are your most favorite essays?

My favourite essays are the sex series part 1, 2 and three. They’re raw, unedited and written with detail that’s caused my site-meter to go through the roof. I had to confer with the ex-lover to finalise some minute details but they’re by far the more erotic of the ones I’ve written so far. I’ve found my regular band of readers each identify or prefer different stories for their own personal reasons. I once received an email from a couple who read my stories and re-enacted them with much success. I was rapt to get a 'thankyou' email from them

What erotic writers out there have encouraged you?

When I was about 28, I started to read Anais Nin, Erica Jong and of course Henry Miller. They were revolutionary to their time and turned me on in modern times. One of my most brilliant lovers introduced me to Anais Nin and Ill be forever grateful. I really enjoyed seeing a woman [of her time] so boldly and brazen in her words. She inspired me! As a horny teenager, I use to masturbate to the stories in my boyfriend's Playboy magazines too.

When you write, the point of view is always that of a sexually empowered woman who always gets her “O”. Can you elaborate on the importance of that a bit?

In this day, we’re all living fast-paced lifestyle, it’s easy for an average woman to forget her needs when she’s got to think about her partner, the kids, if she’s fed the dog, the washing on the line and that report that’s due on the boss’ desk on Monday. I feel that if a woman demands sexuality equality in the bedroom, having the big O can take the pressure of a strained relationship and make her sleep well enough to tackle the day ahead tomorrow.

Also, a lot of women are feeling high scrutiny to the constant barrage of perfect images that are portrayed by the media of what a woman should be. When our partner rubs, licks and sucks long enough to remind her that she’s the center of their world, it’s reassuring to know we’re worth it. My experience and feedback tells me that a man loves a sexually empowered woman. It'll turn him on to know he's turning you on. They hate dead fish - it ruins their ego.

What advice would you give to a woman who wanted to write erotic essays?

I think the biggest obstacle comes from self-doubt or an unfounded belief in a stereotype. “I’m not sexy enough’ or “I’m just a housewife’ or worse ‘what if the neighbours find out?” the answer? Who cares! If you want to unpack and share those deep-seated sexy thoughts, do it. There is no training. No Style to follow. You simply describe the feelings as best you can, throw in the scene description and tantalise your readers by giving the most important ingredient of all… reality. I would suggest that you only write about having wild monkey sex in the Swiss Alps with Fabio’s hair covering your sweaty, perfect lip-gloss if you’ve already nailed Fabio. So open an anonymous Blog that only you and your partner know about. Write in explicit details protecting your location and real names. Send your partner your latest post to their office and watch them come running at 5pm.

Where does your sexpiration come from?

My stories are all true. Well, except one and you know, my readers picked it? Yup! I mostly write when I’m feeling horny or when I’m having a particularly stimulating memory about a hot sex adventure. Sometimes I have very un-sexy moments when I’m trudging around the house vacuuming and feeling very unfuckable. We are real women, remember.

I remember a fond kiss and the daydream starts. Then I start remembering specifics and voila~ I sit down and type it out. It can range from a purchase of g-vibrator to a voyeuristic masturbation exchange in the lounge room. It helps that I can be so descriptive.

If I wanted to read more of Honey’s work, where would I find it online?

It isn’t much but its mine. Please visit www.honeysmack.blogspot.com. It’s important to note that not all of my posts are based about the sound of my love cavern getting some pink sword. Please come and stay a while. Go through the archives or search for masturbation, sex or cock in the search engine. I'm sure you'll find something to tickle your fancy.

Will you be authoring a book? When and where can we scoop that sweet honey smack up?

As much as I would love to have a book deal, I don’t see it happening in the foreseeable future but you know, wilder things have happened and we should be prepared for anything right? Certainly, if I ever sit down long enough I’ll keep the Blog updated on any book whispers. Imagine all the research and material I'd need to practice. Um, gather. :)

Do you regard yourself as a feminist?

Yes I would regard myself as a feminist however, you won’t see me waving a flag or burning my bra. I do enjoy the traditional comforts that a man could bring to a relationship. He can rescue the plate-size spider for example, but he can also cook a meal every so often and check those weird noises in the night.

On the other foot, I’m all about equality of pay in the work-place, men taking responsibility for their actions and don’t talk down to me, fucker, or I’ll fry your balls for breakfast. I’m all about sexual equality in the bedroom. You won’t dine at the Café Minge? Then don’t expect a blowjob from me, baby.

10. What advice would you give to a woman seeking confidence about expressing her sexual desires?

It’s important for a woman to love her own company. When she reaches that stage, she’s choosier with whom she shares her time and thus, her standards rise. I know I’d rather sit at home by myself than have some limp-dicked fucktard boss me around or think he’s better than me. This confidence attracts a better standard of friends and lovers because ‘same attracts same.’ In my experience, if she’s confident in herself, she’s confident in expressing her sexual desires because she knows she’s worth it and shouldn’t settle for less than someone who can bring the bacon home. Why settle for Burger King when you could have Gourmet?

If you’ve tried talking to your partner and your sexual desires and he’s just not listening, write to us and we’ll give you some detailed suggestions on how to grab their attention permanently, or if s/he won’t listen; tell them to pack up their crap and make way for the one who will!

What are your favorite curse words?

When I’m doing the horizontal mambo, I usually encourage my partner to watch his cock going in and out of my pussy. I guess my curse words are to describe the action while it’s happening. I'll tell him I can feel every inch of him or that he's stretching me. I'll tell him he's so big or I'll get drippin' wet while I suck his cock. I tell him to watch my cunt-lips puckering around him and see how slick and shiny his cock is. This normally sends them over the edge, so I suggest to only do this if you can feel a leg cramp coming on, or Grey’s Anatomy is about to start.

How do you feel about the word “cunt”?

I do use the word cunt in the bedroom but it does depend on the partner. I wouldn't use it for just anyone. I think that word is so nasty sounding, whether you're using it in a fight or sexually. I tend to only use it for people I really hate in a fight. Sexually, I'd only use it if I knew it would not disgust the guy I was with. I do believe it is a bit taboo though and can bring out the animal in the guy you're with. Like anything, check out your audience and feel comfortable. 'Oh golly gosh, that's really feeling jolly in my vagina", doesn't cut it for me. If you can’t be comfortable shouting ‘fuck my cunt’ when you have your legs over someone’s shoulder then when can you?

Punky Spunk

2007-10-03T01:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Al,

My Wife and I love sex. We especially like to give each other oral. Lately I’ve noticed when we 69 she wasn’t giving to me as much as she used to. In fact, she wasn't giving me any at all. So when I asked her about it she said my cum tastes bad. Is there any way to make my cum taste sweeter? I've heard pineapple will do the trick, but is there anything else?

Thanks for all your help,
Loves 69 in California

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Dear Loves 69 in California:

What you’ve heard about pineapple is true. I suggest you buy dried pineapple, and snack on it daily. I know many readers will have their own home remedies for punky spunk.

But I’d also suggest you try this: Don’t cum in her mouth. Find out how open your wife is to having you spurt on various parts of her body. There’s a reason why you always see the money shot in porn. There’s just something really appealing about it to most guys. So let her know that if she’ll go back to giving head, you won’t cum in her mouth and let her control the finish. You may be pleasantly surprised. Then if you still miss the swallow finish, try the pineapple and hope for improvement.

Al

--
Don't forget to check out the Al Sensu Interview!

Bush - Shaved or Not?

2007-10-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

Greetings All:

My question is quite simple I believe, which do females prefer, their lovers shaved completely bald neatly trimmed or like the male porn stars of the 70's wild and bushy? Thank u very much and please keep imparting your wisdom on guys like myself.

Signed,
Crotch Curious

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Dear Crotch Curious,

Like anything regarding looks, it’s a matter of personal taste. However, it’s clear to me that many if not most women under 40 now prefer clean shaven pubes on their men. Wild and bushy are out, except for old hippies like me. If totally smooth doesn’t appeal to you, I’d suggest going for well-trimmed overall, and clean-shaven anywhere you hope to be licked or sucked. Seems like the ladies aren’t interested in spitting out hairs anymore. You may experience increased sensitivity as a side benefit. And by going for trimmed rather than bald, you won’t turn off those who do find the latter icky.

Al Sensu

Lost Libido

2007-09-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

Hey there!

I am a 23 year old young woman and I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and have been living together for most of that time. We have a very healthy Affectionate relationship but it's rarely physical if you catch my drift. I'm talking maybe once or twice a month on average. We have good honest communication and I have talked to him many times about my concerns for his unusually low sex drive.

In the past he had an addiction to masturbation I guess you could call it, and he would rather do that then be with me. I offered to watch, or do it together, or act out a porn, anything. Eventually this became such an issue with me he stopped masturbating all the time but the problem is he still doesn't crave sex. He says he desires me but it rarely goes further than words.

Then I thought maybe it had to do with alcohol. Being 24 and a college student, well those things go hand in hand right? But recently we have been dieting and exercising, cutting out the mickey d's and beer. Well, that hasn't really changed anything either.

I have tried toys, costumes, role-playing and at one point I suggested we have an open relationship, and while I took advantage of the situation quite a few times, he saw maybe one other girl. Then we tried to swing for awhile with a couple of our more kinky friends and he enjoyed that but I didn't so we were back at square one because really al I want is him and well...he doesn't seem to want anything. I feel like I have tried everything, Talking, yelling, crying, ignoring the situation and it seems no matter what I do we have a nice long talk.............and then no sex. I don't know what to do. I want to marry this guy; He is so smart, handsome, sexy and fun. He has a good heart and we talk very good care of each other.......except in the sack.

But....I don't want that kind of passionless marriage. I've told him so but, like I said, we talk it out and then there is no closure, no proof, NO SEX, to prove it. What do I do 10 years down the line when he doesn't want it all??

Anyway, is it me? What in the world do I try next? I am so sick of getting myself off to trashy romance novels and I hate watching porn all by myself, it makes me feel very.....lonely. In any case, can you help me?

Sincerely,
Sexually Ignored

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Dear Ignored,

He’s just not that into you.

Any guy who is addicted to masturbation does not have a low sex drive. There is something weird and unhealthy about him and your relationship. This is one horny guy, yet he won’t have sex with you and prefers to giver up masturbation to prove he’s not highly sexed. What you don’t have is honest communication.

I think therapy is needed here, but before you go as a couple, he should go himself. I suspect that he was abused and may not feel capable of “normal” sex, which is why he’s OK with wanking and swinging.

In the meantime, stick by him if you wish, but do not get married. And if he resists therapy, say goodbye now. You are in the prime of life and he won’t change without help. There is no reason for you to settle for this relationship.

Al Sensu

Guest Writer - Al Sensu

2007-09-15T01:12:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to drop by tomorrow. if you haven't read the al sensu interview or his sparkling advice, be sure to do just that.

love,

Male Chastity

2007-08-04T01:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Al:

I have gotten used to wearing a chastity device (CB-3000) most of the time and my wife often demands that I put it on. It seems like more and more women are finding out about male chastity and the benefits it offers. Sales certainly seem to be soaring. Do you think that one day most married men will be kept faithful to their wife this way?

Signed,
Bob
Dear Bob,

Only the pussies who agree to put those on will be kept faithful that way. You wouldn’t have the balls to fuck someone other than your wife, and prefer having the excuse of the device. “Sorry, baby, I’d love to do you, but I’m wearing the CB-3000.”

The true appeal of this for you is that you get turned on by being controlled and denied. I can see that it must build you up to some screaming climaxes. That’s if your wife permits you to have any. If it works for you, stick with it.

Al Sensu

Confused Housewife

2007-07-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Let's start with a tiny back story:

I dated this guy for a while (9 months) but he was my first boyfriend, so nothing really happened because both of us were afraid. We broke up and about a year later he dated my best friend.

Now, lately, I've been talking to someone I know through a friend. We've talked on the Internet, but nothing in the nature of the cuddling or obviously flirtatious actions have occurred. The man that I had been dating for nine months has suddenly become very...clingy. I don't know why, but he has. And it hasn't been with everybody either, just me. Now, this is confusing me. It's not just that he's being all cuddly and whatnot.

It's that HE is the one initiating everything. When I noticed it, we were at our friend's house for a small movie night. Needless to say, the movie didn't get watched. My friends all decided to act like children and have a pillow fight. I didn't get to participate, however, because he and I had disappeared to pet the dog and then decided to hide when they realized we were gone. We managed to stay hidden for about an hour and a half.

He got the bright idea to trick them into thinking we'd had sex. Nothing extravagant. Just a few messed clothes and fluffed hair. Our friends tend to jump to conclusions when they see some skin from one and a shirt going back on the other. But ever since then, he's been unusually...close.

Also, when we were talking about what we were looking for (romantically of course) he had made some comment about "friends-with-benefits."I'm wondering what to do. If I should go back to him if that's what he's looking for... or if I should meet the one I've been talking to online and see how things go?

Please offer just a tiny bit of a nudge,

Oddly Confused Woman

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Dear Oddly Confused Woman:

You know, doll, I don't think you have to go making decisions at this juncture. There seems to be a lot of mutual flirtation from both your online and offline dick. Why not enjoy both and see where they take you? You seem to be enjoying both.

Be candid and honest with both. You've never met the online guy. Now, I know I don't HAVE to say this, but I'm going to. If you meet him, please make sure that you meet in a well lit crowded venue. The Internet is an exciting place, but it can also be dangerous if we don't have our wits about us. Be smart. Capisce?

Have fun. Be safe and be honest. It's all about the journey, not the destination. Cliche enough? Still. It's very true.

Good luck.

Love,

ErotischismAl

2007-07-07T01:06:00.000-07:00

Don't forget to stop by again soon! Aspasia Fern is dishing out one hell of a wood fest. We've got an interview with none other than Al Sensu, a well known erotic writer on Literotica.

Al is the author of the fabulous blog, Erotischism, where he spins fantasy fuck yarns that will make your vulva lips twitch and your cock rock hard.

You can find adjunct, hysterical sex dish on Al's other blog, Hard and Fast.

PS: Al is also answering four readers questions! I'm so excited.

Don't forget to stop by tomorrow... To be posted by 1PM PST.

Love,
AF

Three Most Erotic Movies

2007-06-19T00:57:00.000-07:00

A reader asks:

I need guidance in finding the most XXX-rated erotic films (American or foreign) of all time. Today’s porno films are purely graphical with no emotions. They're boring to watch. A good erotic film has acting and feels like the actors are experiencing the whole sex thing with nice graphics. Any advice?

I did a search on the net and all I found were reviews, which didn't seem to cover what I am looking for.

Thanks,
XXX-Film Lover

Readers, please respond to xxx lovah's query in the comment section. If anyone knows XXX, it's my team. Come on, babies. Bring it home for mama!

Triple X Movies

2007-06-01T00:59:00.000-07:00

Don't be shy now... Leave comments. Gahead. I've had a lot of lovely visitors (thank you), but no comments! Spill. I'm all eyes.

Love,
AF

PS: Don't forget to read today's reader question that YOU must answer!

Gay Or Bi?

2007-05-20T00:54:00.000-07:00

About 3 years ago, I started becoming attracted to men and wondering what it would be like to be with a man. I was over at my brother's one evening, telling him about my feelings. That I was attracted to men and that I wanted to suck a man's cock and see if that was what I really wanted.
My brother is gay and has a lover that I am attracted to. That night we watched gay porn together and I became very aroused. I started playing with my brother's lover's cock and before I knew it, I went down on him. He's about 8 inches. I couldn't stop, I liked it so much.
I have been with another man and I enjoyed being with him, too. All I think about is having sex with him. I've been marred for 33 years and I'm not attracted to her anymore. The only thing I can think about is the feel of a man next to me and his cock in my mouth. His hot cum.
Please answer if you can.
Thanks,
TS
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Dear TS:
Look at you, ya big cock suckin' queen, you! sounds like you could give us all a lesson on suckage, huh?
I take it your wife doesn't know about your new procolivity? Why haven't you told her? What are you afraid will happen? Are you ready to end this relationship and move into this new phase of your life?
See, here's the thing, you want to always treat people as you would want to be treated. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know? Is this a secret that you'd want kept from you? I suspect it isn't.
Weigh the consequences of your actions and all of the possible outcomes. Address your fears and figure out how best to proceed. If you know in your heart you want to live your life as a gay man, that's a beautiful choice, too. I'm sure she would appreciate being in a relationship with a man who genuinely wants to be with her, too.
After 33-years of marriage, I hope you can speak honestly and lovingly, so that you can both move forward and build happy lives. Who knows, maybe ya's could even be friends!
Please keep me posted.
Love,
AF

Bunny - Transsexual Goddess

2007-05-04T00:56:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I got an email from Bunny, asking me about sex after gender reassignment surgery (You will find the answer to Bunny's original query in a separate post). We got to chatting via email and she's such a lovely bird. She's very direct and comfortable with herself and the choice that she's made to become a woman.

I asked her if she would let me interview her because let's face it, we all have a million questions, don't we? When you know you're trapped inside a body that doesn't belong to you. Sexual desires and concerns post-op, and of course the transition process. So, I hocked. We dished.

Meet the Goddess that is... Bunny

---------------

Aspasia: Though you were born a man, at what age do you recall feeling like a woman?

Bunny: At the very early age of 7, I recall putting on my moms compressed foundation face powder and looking into the mirror and feeling a connection, much like a jigsaw piece fitting into another jigsaw piece until the puzzle is complete. I felt an intimate connection with my mother and was able to easily reach out to other women and identify with them.

Aspasia: How did you deal with the conflict of feeling like a woman, but being a biological male?

Bunny: I could easily relate to and regard my female side as my sensitive side. As I grew up, that evolved into sensuality. I always admired women for their intelligence and their beauty as well as their sensitivity.

Aspasia: Were you attracted to men, women or both?

Bunny: I was and remain attracted to both men and women. I am more attracted to women because of their sensitivity and sensuality.

Aspasia: At what age did you start living like a woman?

Bunny: At the age of 25 is when I felt it was right to start living as a transvestite or a she-male. I did that for 10 years.

Aspasia: What was that transition like?

Bunny: Transition wasn’t easy because of my body had physical limitations coping with the HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). Once my body could handle the HRT, I was able to deal with the cosmetic aspects of transitioning, like facial hair removal via Laser Hair removal & voice retraining.

Aspasia: How long does the physical transition take?

Bunny: It varies from person to person. Mine took 7-years. When I first started, I was taking the medication for a physical gender change, not the operation. The physical gender change was the forming of my hips, the fattening of my legs and the feminising of my face and other factors, too.

Aspasia: What made you decide to have the operation?

Bunny: I wasn’t going to per se. Over time, when I saw that other women could describe their physical experiences, and my girlfriend, as in best friend girlfriend, encouraged me, I was able to be my true self. Had I not had that encouragement, I would forever wonder what would’ve been. In the end, I decided to go for the operation and I’m glad I did.

Aspasia: Did you share this with your family? If so, how did they react?

Bunny: My family didn’t like it at all. They have not been able to come to terms with my choice, despite many meetings with them to find a compromise. After 3 years of going back and forth, I decided that my happiness was more of a priority than compromising for my family. After all, I could still talk to my family over the phone. Meeting face to face was and still is out of the question. This is the compromise I had to live and the sacrifice I had to make in order to be happy. To this day they are happy with this compromise.

Aspasia: What were your hopes related to the operation and what were your fears?

Bunny: That I would die on the operating table! But, I went under general anesthetic as a man. I passed out within10 seconds and woke up three hours later as a woman.

Aspasia: What do you have to go through to transition physically from male to female?

Bunny:
1) I had to change my name from male to female
2) I had to get a referral from my General Practitioner to the gender identity clinic
3) I had to live as a woman full-time for 2 years and had to work or take a volunteer position as a woman.
4) I had to convince the NHS (National Health System), known as the PCT (Primary Care Trust) to fund my gender assignment surgery on the NHS.

Aspasia: Now that you are a full fledged vadge, how does it feel?

Bunny: It really feels sensational and like a silky beautiful kitty! Much like this HOT-WET-SEA! For me it was well worth the wait. Now I don’t need to cover myself up or feel embarrassed or awkward at the prospect of being discovered. I’m not in pain. I don’t have to compromise. Now, I can appreciate the vulnerability aspect a woman might feel meeting a man. I can also relate more when women talk of this instead of me being annoyed that they cannot trust me.

Asapasia: Sexually, what are you looking forward to?

Bunny: Being lovingly and gently touched and gently penetrated. BUT, intelligent conversation IS A MUST FIRST!

Aspasia: Sexually, what are you most concerned about?

Bunny: Sexual Diseases. But, since I am always getting myself checked, this shouldn’t be an issue. I’m just very mindful of it. Also, I must learn that I need to go slow in terms of finding someone. I need to heal and rebuild my confidence. I’m reinventing myself!

Ain't she a hunny that Bunny?! if you have questions for Bunny, please feel free to email me or leave a comment in the comment section and Bunny will respond.

Thank you, Bunny!!!

Boyfriends' Ex

2007-04-12T00:41:00.000-07:00

Hi Aspasia:

I know that you normally give out sex rather than relationship advice but there's an issue between my boyfriend and I that has been bugging me for months and I'm trying to get as many opinions about it as possible.

I am having real problems concerning my boyfriends ex. Despite her breaking up with him three years ago, they remain good friends and it drives me up the wall. I knew about his friendship with her right form the start and at the beginning of the relationship I didn't have a problem with it. But then when it was her birthday last year she invited my boyfriend and loads of other mates out for the evening.

Now, if I'm organizing a night out with friends and I know that any of them are in a relationship, I will invite their partner too. To not do so is rude. So was I invited? No.

I spent the entire evening and most of the night in floods of tears, panicking about what was happening. I was absolutely convinced that the reason I wasn't invited was because she wanted to get back together with him. Now every time he goes to see her, I have the same fears.

My boyfriend has reassured me that that isn't going to happen and that they would never get back together.

This leads me to think that I was left out for one of three reasons. She's rude, she's lying to my boyfriend when she says that she likes me and excluded me because of this or she has the sensitivity and awareness of a brick. Surely anyone with even the slightest concern for the feelings of other people would realize that it would be perfectly normal for me to have concerns about their relationship.

I've told my boyfriend how I feel about her and he just dismisses my fears. He can get very defensive about their relationship and that makes me think that he still has feelings for her. He says that if I got to know her then I'd like her but as far as I'm concerned she had her chance and she blew it. When he tells me that I'm worrying about nothing, it makes me think that my opinion doesn't matter to him and when he goes to see her knowing that it upsets me, it makes me feel like he doesn't care. I feel like he's picking her over me. I just wish I could make him see my point of view.

Thanks in advance for the help,
Worried and concerned

---------------------------------
Dear Worried and Concerned,

Someone just won outstanding prick of the year! Bravo, boyfriend. Would you like to give a speech?

Girlfriend (love that, it’s so Ricki-Lake-Sally-Jesse), if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, it’s a duck! If your gut is telling you that something is up or that he still has feelings for her, you are probably correct. It’s all about actions and less about words. Erase what he’s been saying the past few months and ask yourself how he’s been acting.

Honey, this isn’t about her at all. This is about your boyfriend and his inability to prioritize you over her, and the repercussions of that on you. it sounds like you’re slipping into the abyss of envy-land, a place consumed by fear. Where we forget what’s important to us and what we want.

You have to go with your gut on this. The worst case scenario here is that you break up. Yes, your heart will be broken. Yes, it will hurt. But, you will get through it and you will move on stronger and more enlightened, keenly aware of what to look for when circumstances such as this arise. And, you will find someone even better. Please keep me posted.

Love,

Aspasia

The Bitch is Back

2007-04-10T00:46:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I know. where the fuck have you been, Aspasia. you wretched whore. We hate you!
well don't delete me from your favorite places just yet. I have been in the kitchen brewing some fabulous ideas.

A new column to be posted this Friday, I promise! We're going to have some, oh so fabulous guest editors writing for us and sharing their sexiest pearls. dishy Q&A with some of our favorite sexsters and, oh gosh golly is this going to be such big screaming erect, pussy dripping fun. stay tuned and come back on Friday, June 15th, 2007 for more-more-more!

Update

2007-04-09T00:47:00.000-07:00

Shalom beautiful babies. don't forget, tomorrow is shabbes and that means a new column is being posted. it's been a year! oy, can you believe it.

I'll be posting the column a little differently. four questions will be answered in separate posts. what will we be covering? this is a doozy, my friends. a reader asks, Aspasia, how can I make homemade cum? The response to that noshy-Q will be posted next week by our first guest editor! A delicious new post-op transsexual diva wants to know about the new titillation she's experiencing. A husband found his wife fucking... the dog and it wasn't their first time. awww. another brave reader is questioning his sexuality. is he gay or is he bi?

Come back tomorrow!

also.... once a week, I will be posting an email for reader responses! the first one will be posted on Saturday, June 15th.

My Wife and the Dog

2007-04-08T00:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Aspasia:
I came home early from work and caught my wife having sex with our black lab. I thought he was just rubbing his penis under her vagina since I never realized that a woman and a dog could have sex. Sure, I had heard the stories about the woman and the donkey in Mexico. But, never thought that my wife of 22 year's would do something like this.
At first she tried to get loose, but Duke's large penis was too swollen and she was stuck. Then she just gave up and started to pump back on his penis. She had a huge orgasm and kept telling Duke what a great fuck he was.
When they were finally done, she told me that they had been doing it for over a year and I had to deal with it since she wasn't going to stop. I have to admit that I had a huge erection. Now I'm torn between sharing her or leaving.
Can you give me some advice?
Wally
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Dear Wally:

The wife's been shtupping the dog on the side. Oy vey a shmear. I'm so sorry! I can appreciate your conflict.

With respect to bestiality, I don't condone it. I've written about it quite a bit on Literotica. The reason I am so opposed to it is because it's not mutually consenting adult sex. A dog cannot say NO and therefore this action could be regarded as rape.

Ooh, I sound so judgmental.

The fact that you became aroused isn't necessarily a result of watching her fuck the dog. You were watching your wife of 22 years have an orgasm and that is what could've turned you on.

If she's unwilling to stop, you have to ask yourself how you feel about that and what specifically about it bothers you. I would imagine it brings up issues of insecurity, like, "what does he have that I don't". How does a two legged human compete with a four legged canine? Hmm...Should be no competition, right?! Who knew!

Once you isolate the issue, sit down with your wife and discuss it, openly, honestly and lovingly. Don't hold back. If she's unwilling to see it from your perspective or appreciate where you're coming from, the question then becomes, are you sure this isn't a byproduct of a much larger issue?

You see where I'm going with this?

Please keep us looped! Good luck.

Love,
af

Burns and Frustration

2007-04-08T00:39:00.000-07:00

Hello Aspasia:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now and have decided to abstain from vaginal sex. We are both happy with this agreement, but I am getting tired of hand jobs. I take a long time to cum in her hand, which sometimes even results in friction burns. I really crave a blowjob but she refuses to try it. She has never given a blowjob before and her only reason for not doing it is because she thinks it is gross. I've explained that I don't have to ejaculate in her mouth and we could even wear a condom but she still won't budge. Is there anything I could do to change her mind?

Sincerely,

Burned and Frustrated

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Dear Burned and Frustrated:

Schmuck, ever heard of lube? It’s an incredible advancement in masturbation and fucking technology. You can buy it at the Literotica.com toy store. You’ll even find lubes that heat up. Some that are edible and about a million flavors to choose from, like, chocolate, caramel, strawberry, cinnamon. Shall I go on?! Bubbie, you’re not a schmuck, but I do so love busting balls. This is going to sting a bit, so bear with me…

Do you nosh on your girl’s V? Or are you just Mr. Handsy? If you’re not sending tongue downtown, it’s a little tough to demand tongue and mouth on your man meat. Send in the troops (your tongue) and give it a whirl. See how she responds to it.

Also, if she’s uncomfortable with the idea of sucking cock, and other oral agendas, perhaps you should pick up an oral sex video for the two of you to watch. Another thing to consider is a masturbation DVD. You can learn a lot about pleasing each other without having intercourse. You both should read some of the incredible yarns spun by the Literotica writing community, too. You will be inspired by new ideas.

Most important, luvey, please, PLEASE invest in some lube for your cock’s sake.

Keep me looped!Vu

Love,

Aspasia

What does she really mean?

2007-04-07T23:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Aspasia:

I have been dating this woman for two months and things are great. She and I are both looking to meet someone to settle down and have a family and thus far we both have not been able to find the perfect match. There is a lot of chemistry between us and a lot of sexual attraction. Because of this, she has asked that we not have sex, just so that we both can get to know each other without sex clouding our judgment of each other. I would love to get to know her more...so I don't mind this, but I do miss the sex.

The problem is...whenever we are together, she is always kissing me and touching me and telling me how attracted she is to me. Should I respect her wishes and not have sex or just go for it. I'm fearful that if we just spend time together we will just become friends and the romantic part of the relationship will go away.

So what does she really mean when she says she doesn't want to have sex for a while? Can you translate for
me?

Signed,
J

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Dear J:

Hmm. isn’t this a pickle?! It seems to me that there is a big ol’ mixed message going on. Not just between you two, but for me too.

I’m unclear as to why you two have decided not to keep your hearts open to each other seeing as you’ve both decided to “hang out” until you meet your respective “life” partners.

On the one hand I’d say that she’s earmarked you as her surrogate, at her convenience, boyfriend – not in a cruel way, in more of a subconscious kind of way. On the other hand, she just might not know what she wants.

Here’s the thing… you have to assert what you want! If you want more, consider telling her that. But, you must be clear about what you want, and realize that because she might not be in the same place, you don’t want to phrase it like an ultimatum. You want to communicate the importance of the friendship and your desire to maintain that, if that’s important to you.

Good luck. Please keep me posted.

Love,
a

Separated

2007-04-05T23:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Aspasia Fern:

I'm separated, 46 yrs old. please tell me, why is it, that I'm SO sexual and horny at home, and wanting to be with someone, but I cant seem to get myself out there and meet people? It’s like I live in a fantasy world at home, but I need ideas to help me get back outside in the land of real people. I would love to be loved again.

Sincerely,
Fantasy vs. Love

Dear Fantasy vs. Love:
You know, my dear, you are not alone. Many women, and men, experience what you’re going through. The uncertainty of how to put yourself out there after a long marriage, and these incredible sexual desires that feel as if they’ll never be fulfilled.

I have a few questions for you… are you chatting online and sexually expounding via instant messenger, chat rooms and email or are these fantasies tucked away inside your head? When you think of putting yourself out there, do you think of it in strictly sexual terms or dating terms? Does talking about your sexual proclivities seem like an insurmountable impossibility? Since your separation, have you been on any dates, if so, what was your experience of them? In your marriage, were you with a man who was sexually open? If not, and if you shared your desires with him, what was his reaction?

There are a few things that could be tripping you up. One possibility is your previous sexual relationship and how your husband responded to your needs. Another possibility is that you had a few strange and off-putting dates.

And, would you believe there are still even more possibilities?! I know, right? If you regard yourself as having bizarre sexual desires that judgment of yourself could make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. If this is the case, you should know that any mutually adult consenting sexual activity is perfectly normal and healthy.

Here’s the deal, sugar, you’re a great dame with a robust sexual appetite and you’re ready to date, even fall in love. Remember that you have a lot to offer someone and do things that make you feel sexy and attractive. A new haircut or style, manicure, hot outfit, some new ravishing lipstick, anything that makes you feel sensual and erotic. Hit some of the online dating sites. Post an ad on Literotica. Join a singles group in your area. Ask your friends if they know any single men they can set you up with. Go out with your girlfriends for fun, and some offline dating activities.

The most important thing is that you feel great about yourself, who you are and what you bring to the table --- free of judgment and always with an open heart. Please keep me looped.

Love,
AF